[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

DeSantis Takes Stand on Florida Advanced Placement Courses

Gov. Ron DeSantis, not very advanced, wants limits on the Advanced Placement (AP) studies program in Florida.

Gov. Ron DeSantis declared Thursday that the embattled Advanced Placement (AP) studies program in Florida will not include a proposed AP Psychology course because it does not comport with state law. The course, which some 30,000 Florida students are slated to begin next week, includes sections on sexual orientation and gender identity, which the legislature’s Parental Rights in Education (Don’t Say Gay) Law precludes.

DeSantis Advanced Placement
DeSantis distancing himself from “fruits.” Photo: Matt Johnson, flickr.com, CC BY 2.0.

“If the fruits want a pro-LGBTQ curriculum, then let Disney World sponsor it,” snarled DeSantis from the governor’s mansion in Tallahassee on Thursday. “They’re all goofy anyway,” he quipped, grinning with mirth.

The College Board, which also sponsors the SAT test, said it “Will not modify the AP Psychology courses to accommodate restrictions on teaching essential college level topics.”

DeSantis himself has an impressive educational background. He earned a Bachelor’s degree in history from Yale, then went on to garner a law degree from Harvard, an experience about which he has been critical, calling it a “waste of time.” The three years spent at Harvard Law “could easily have been condensed into one semester,” he has exclaimed.

“If only they’d eliminated unnecessary studies, on such topics as the Bill of Rights which,” he concluded, “was basically useless but for the Second Amendment.” He thanked his instructors at Yale for teaching him about the “Pillars of the Ages, strong-men such as Benito Mussolini, Josef Stalin and, of course, Der Fuhrer.” He smiled fondly, remembered reading his favorite memoir, “Mein Kampf,” on the steps of Sterling Memorial Library, on Yale’s New Haven campus.

This is not DeSantis’ first contentious encounter with Advanced Placement courses taught in Florida’s public schools. On Feb. 1st of this year, DeSantis publicly derided the proposed AP Black Studies course as “without educational value” and prohibited it. “Not every proposed course has merit,” stated DeSantis. “I mean, you wouldn’t want your teen to enroll in an AP Defecation course, would you? Or an AP-styled Elements of Masturbation?” He chuckled. His entourage, standing behind him, applauded politely.

1.2 million students across the United States take College Board-approved AP courses. Such curricula afford students the opportunity to earn college credit, upon successfully taking an exam. More competitive universities also hold such academic accomplishments in great esteem and use AP participation as a factor in weighing applications for admission. DeSantis has come out in favor of using not college credit courses, but rather, monetary standing and legacy status in the pursuit of admission to university.

Florida is among the 18 states which have also banned teaching Critical Race Theory (CRT) which is an educational framework that examines whether institutions and policies account for racial bias. These states have mandated that no course material be taught which inspires “guilt or anguish” among students whose ancestors behaved in a racist fashion. “Why do we need CRT?” demanded DeSantis. “Already, the lesser races can eat and drink and pee where we do; what do they want, the world?”

Arkansas is another state that has been public in its opposition to both AP Black Studies and CRT programs. Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders remarked that, “until recently, the frailer races didn’t know what they were missing. But now, they’s all gone uppity, ever one of ‘em, and you got BLM out the whazoo.” Presently, disclosed Sanders, Arkansas is reviewing the AP African Studies course to see if it “is intended to indoctrinate students with un-American ideologies” like CRT.

Some politicians, in blue-leaning states, have taken an opposing view. Illinois Gov. J.D, Pritzker, for example, said that Illinois schools would not tolerate “watering down” of Advanced Placement courses, for the sake of political expedience. DeSantis disagreed, saying that when necessary, “watering down is appropriate.” When asked for an example, he cited insulin users, who could safely dilute medications “to get them through a thin financial patch.” Gov. DeSantis went on to denounce Pres. Biden’s mandatory reduction in the cost of insulin. “I believe in a free-market system,” declared the Florida governor and candidate for the Republican nomination for president. He said he’s proud to represent the interests of Big Pharma.

Since he banned the proposed AP African American studies program, DeSantis has been hit with a parent-led lawsuit charging that Florida was violating Section VI of the Civil Rights Act of 1964, claiming Florida’s actions are in defiance of the proviso that race can not be a determining factor in programs receiving federal assistance. DeSantis struck back, saying that, if necessary, the Sunshine State would forgo federal monies, and do away with computers, broadband, teachers’ salaries, and the like. He said that he would engage teachers from the “good people of Florida, who believe that inculcating our youth is more important than a paycheck.

Moreover,” he added, “it would mean the end to a pesky teacher’s union. We all got to get our minds right, people.”

What’s next for DeSantis and the state of Florida? The governor announced a grassroots effort on his part, whereby “ordinary, regular folks” would come together, with “torches, pitchforks and axe handles,” and storm the “enclaves of transgenders still lurking, like a disease, in the great state of Florida.” He said he envisions a bubonic plague type colony, “where all transgenders and other LGBTQ types could be isolated and kept away from the innocents.” The governor says he fancies using Disney World as the principal site of the enclosure.

Bill Tope