Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Republican candidates for president at the Iowa State Fair 2023.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Who knows. We’re coming to you live from the Iowa State Fair 2023 in Des Moines, Iowa, where I will be interviewing some of the Republican candidates running for president in the 2024 election.
MAGGIE DUNCAN
Don’t forget I’m here, Jerry.
JERRY
I thought you were in the freak show.
MAGGIE
I was, but they kicked me out. The boss said I was a control freak.
JERRY
Look who’s here. Iowa Republican Senator Chuck Grassley.
JERRY
Welcome Senator Grassley. Why the state fair?
SENATOR CHUCK GRASSLEY
I have a part time job nearby. I’m a Chippendale dancer.
JERRY
Oh?
GRASSLEY
Last night was bad though. None of the women stuffed dollar bills down my Depend.
JERRY
What a shame. I understand you were raised on a farm.
GRASSLEY
Yep.
JERRY
Always wondered. If a cow laughed really hard….would milk come out of her nose?
GRASSLEY
That’s udder nonsense.
JERRY
What’s the best part of farming?
GRASSLEY
Getting down and dirty with my hoes.
JERRY
No doubt. You campaigned for years at this state fair. You were elected to the Senate in 1980 when Ronald Reagan became president.
GRASSLEY
What are you saying?
JERRY
Your party has become radicalized. The MAGA Republicans want to overturn our democracy and make it an autocracy.
GRASSLEY
I wish I could dissuade them, but I’m 89 years old. For instance, when I was a kid rainbows were black and white. Now they’re in color.
JERRY
One more question, Senator.
Grassley interrupts.
GRASSLEY
Sorry. There’s a loose pig. I gotta get em. “Wooo pig sooie, wooo pig sooie.”
JERRY
There he goes. The only guy I know that can fart, sneeze, and pee at the same time.
MAGGIE
Darn. I had a question.
JERRY
Maybe I know the answer.
MAGGIE
Okay. What did the baby corn say to the momma corn?
JERRY
Don’t know.
MAGGIE
Where’s popcorn?
JERRY
Go swallow a corn dog. You’re annoying.
MAGGIE
Look. It’s Donald Trump.
PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP
Here I am.
JERRY
I thought you were in jail.
TRUMP
Very funny, Duncan. I’m a very stable genius. More than half of the Republican electorate want me to be their candidate.
JERRY
Governor Chris Christie said that you should not shrug off the four indictments. You’re a criminal.
TRUMP
I haven’t committed any crimes. Christie and I have a difference of opinion. I have the right to free speech. He thinks he has the right to free eats. No wonder people are starving.
JERRY
Governor Ron DeSantis is doing well in Iowa polls. Are you worried?
TRUMP
Ron DeSanctimonious doesn’t have a personality. Nobody lies better than me. I hold the Guiness World Record.
JERRY
The only time you haven’t lied.
JERRY
You keep saying that you won the 2020 election.
TRUMP
I did. The whole system is rigged. The U.S. election results delay is pathetic. In Russia, they know who won before the election. I like that.
JERRY
You have a criminal mind!
TRUMP
F U, Duncan. And the old bag sitting next to you.
MAGGIE
Up yours, orange man!
MAGGIE
Don’t let Trump have the last word. Mike Pence is headed our way. Remember when a fly landed on his head during the VP debate in 2020?
JERRY
Yeah.
MAGGIE
I sure hope he carried the eggs to full term.
VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE
I made it here.
JERRY
Welcome to the show, Veep.
PENCE
The Lord is my Shepherd.
MAGGIE
Old news. He quit that job last month. Got tired of counting sheep.
JERRY
Let’s talk about Donald Trump, the man who almost had you hung.
PENCE
History will hold Trump accountable for what happened to the Capitol during an insurrection on January 6, 2021. He’s a bad man.
JERRY
What do you envision for America if you are elected preisdent?
PENCE
Good jobs, low inflation, a strong defense. And most important, bring women back to the time of the pilgrims. I want a national ban on abortion.
JERRY
You’re out of step with the American people. Most are pro-choice.
PENCE
I don’t believe in polls. Speaking of abortion, I had an unfortunate experience last week in California.
JERRY
Why?
PENCE
I locked myself out of my car next to an abortion clinic. It was really awkward asking them for a hanger.
MAGGIE
Serves you right, moron.
MAGGIE
If you and the other Republican candidates were stranded on an island, who would survive?
PENCE
Me.
MAGGIE
No. America.
JERRY
See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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