[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump Says He Can’t Get a Fair Trial on Earth, Looks Elsewhere

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

There is nowhere on the planet that he could possibly get a fair trial, Trump says, demanding a ‘bigly’ change of venue.

SNN intergalactic justice reporter Flash Gordon Galactica states that recently much-indicted former US President Donald Trump said that he could not get a fair trial anywhere on earth. Therefore, in a landmark move, he is petitioning the Universal Intergalactic Supreme Court of Justice to get a celestial change of venue, and have all of his upcoming trials heard there.

trump no fair trial on earth
If he can’t get a fair trial on Earth, Trump wants a celestial change of venue.

Mr. Trump’s first step in this process was to hire the universal law firm of Starlite, Starbrite and Blackhole, whose main office is on The Planet ZZZZZ.

According to Executive firm partner Gbabit Blackhole, there are many obstacles to Mr. Trump’s petition. The first one being that the main court is in its 83rd year of hearing the trial of the Evil Emperor of The Planet Mongo Ming the Merciless, who is acussed of spreading Purple Death Dust across the Universe in order to conquer it. The trial began in 1940. The main court is on The Planet Zardoc.

The closest to Earth sub court is on The Planet Ziggyasse. Travel from Earth to Ziggyasse takes 24 years. Mr. Trump would be almost 100 years old when his trial began.

Another problem according to 2RVDJUDGE, the court’s chief justice, is that the court has never conducted a trial involving beings from the Planet Earth and that several of his fellow justices had never heard of the Planet Earth and are uncertain if they should become involved in the political antics of an obscure lesser planet.

Mr. Blackhole stated that the solution could be to set up a temporary court on the moon just to hear Mr.Trump’s cases.

SNN Words to Live By

“Prevention is preferable to cure.” — The Hippocratic Oath.

“On my honor, I will do my best.” — The Boy Scout Oath.

“All things change, but the truth, and the truth alone lives on forever.” — The Lone Ranger Creed.

Ted Holland