Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews his late mother Maggie Duncan in New York City.
ANNOUNCER
Live from New York City, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is my late mother Maggie Duncan. We are on the last week of our tour across the United States.
MAGGIE DUNCAN
I love you, Jerry. Tell me that you love me back.
JERRY
Go slurp an egg cream.
MAGGIE
You’ll feel bad when I’m dead.
JERRY
You are dead, stupid.
MAGGIE
It’s so good to be back in New York. We lived in Queens until you were 8 years old.
JERRY
I remember my pet cockroaches Adolph and Benito. They were evil.
MAGGIE
Yeah. They came with the apartment. Can I say something about you?
JERRY
No.
MAGGIE
It’s not bad. Really.
JERRY
Go ahead.
MAGGIE
Jerry was a tough kid growing up in Queens, folks. Nobody picked on him. Well, almost nobody.
JERRY
Then why is there a photo of me with two black eyes when I was in 3rd grade?
MAGGIE
It was fake. I did that with a Sharpie. I wanted to sue the school district so we could get money.
JERRY
And?
MAGGIE
I was convicted of fraud and sent to prison.
JERRY
No wonder I’m nuts.
MAGGIE
Yeah. Rikers Island. Right here in the East River. It was bad.
MAGGIE
So bad that a woman in the cell next to me was on death row. But she lucked out. Apparently, the last meal she requested was strawberries. The warden said, “Strawberries were out of season.” She replied, “I’ll wait.”
JERRY
Wasn’t Uncle Scott in prison?
MAGGIE
Only for a few days. There was mistaken identity. He got off Scott free.
JERRY
We’re going to see the Statue of Liberty while we’re here. She’s designed after the Roman Goddess of Liberty by a sculpturer living in Paris during the 1890’s.
MAGGIE
Jerry. You should be so lucky to marry someone beautiful like that.
JERRY
C’mon. Her nose is 4 feet. She can go bowling with her boogers.
MAGGIE
We’ll I admire the fact Lady Liberty never sits down. That’s why she has a nice figure.
JERRY
I also want to go to the top of the Empire State Building. It’s 102 stories.
MAGGIE
Big deal.
JERRY
Yes, it is. King Kong climbed the Empire State Building.
MAGGIE
What for?
JERRY
He had a plane to catch.
JERRY
Hey. We need to take the subway to the Yankees game soon.
MAGGIE
I’m nervous, Jerry. I had a problem on the subway yesterday.
JERRY
What happened?
MAGGIE
I was sitting in my seat when I saw this guy yawning.
JERRY
So what? I yawn listening to you.
MAGGIE
Turns out he was a mime sitting on a tack.
JERRY
My friend Jordan was kidnapped by a mime. He did unspeakable things.
MAGGIE
Before I forget, thank you for buying tickets to Wicked.
JERRY
Why not? It’s a good day when I don’t have to unleash the flying monkees on you. My mother Maggie Duncan. See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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