Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host throws his annual holiday party in Wasilla, Alaska.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. Today I’m hosting my holiday party from a Motel 6 in Wasilla, Alaska. Guests have flown in from Washington D.C. to join the celebration.
CONGRESSWOMAN MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE
I almost didn’t make it, Duncan.
JERRY
Was your flight late?
GREENE
No. A laser beam from a Jewish spaceship tried to zap me on the way to the airport.
SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS
Excuse me. What you just said is anti-Semitic.
GREENE
Yep. My high school teacher said I was anti-Semantic. Never learned a damn thing.
SANDERS
Jerry. Where’s the bagels and lox? I thought this was a Hanukkah party.
JERRY
Holiday…holiday party. Get your hearing tested! I suggest you run outside, because the squirrels are collecting nuts.
GREENE
Yeah, Bernie. I hope you choke on a big matzo ball. You crazy old fart.
JERRY
Speaking of big matzo balls, it’s Donald Trump. He’s H-U-G-E!!
PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP
I’m not huge.
JERRY
Liar.
TRUMP
You’re right. I’m obese.
TRUMP
I just ran into Sleepy Joe Biden down the hall. He wants to fight me. I’ll knock the hell out of him.
JERRY
Probably. You and a boxer are alike.
TRUMP
How?
JERRY
You’re both empty from the neck up.
TRUMP
Say what you want. I’m brilliant.
JERRY
Hey. It’s President Biden.
PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN
(laughs) I just heard the word “brilliant.” Don’t listen to anything that bozo has to say. He’s been indicted on 91 felony counts. Mishandling classified documents, obstructing justice, conspiring to overturn the 2020 election.
TRUMP
Which I won, Sleepy.
BIDEN
Falsifying business records. Trump is so crooked that when he dies, they’ll need to screw him in the ground.
TRUMP
Did you learn that one in kindergarten?
BIDEN
Speaking of screws. How about the hush money Trump paid to porn star Stormy Daniels?
TRUMP
Don’t even know her. Fake nudes.
BIDEN
I’m going to win in 2020, 2030, 31 Flavors. Shucks, 2024. I’m the best Vice-President for the job.
JERRY
You’re the president.
BIDEN
(confused) C’mon, man. You’re kidding.
JERRY
I’m not. Are you too old to run for president?
BIDEN
Nah. I’ve learned life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
JERRY
We have time for one more guest…Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi.
CONGRESSWOMAN NANCY PELOSI
Hello Jerry. I didn’t want to miss your party. Do I look okay?
JERRY
It’s a close call between you and Queen Camilla. Just sayin.
PELOSI
What do you think of the clown show going on in the House? The Republicans can’t do anything right. Not like when I was Speaker.
JERRY
Right on.
PELOSI
I helped pass the Affordable Care Act. Worked to repeal “Don’t ask, don’t tell.” Tore up a copy of Trump’s State of the Union address on live television. That was fun, Jerry.
JERRY
Don’t forget you took on the left wing Democrats in your party when some members said you weren’t liberal enough.
PELOSI
So many accomplishments that I have to pat myself on the back.
PELOSI
I’m always thinking. For instance, if I was married to Donald Trump I’d poison his Diet Coke.
JERRY
Guess what? He’d be happy to drink it. See you tomorrow everyone.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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