Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)
Sadly, Christmas is canceled this year, as Santa is behind bars, and won’t be out anytime soon.
According to SNN Christmas reporter Suzee Snowflake, there will be no Christmas this year. This is because the Godfather of Christmas, Santa Claus, is being held without bail in a jail in Schnotzelvakia.
The report states that Santa Claus purchased 234 gross of the popular Mega Z action platform games from the Schnotzelvakian-based Hickeydoodle Toy Company. He sent a payment in the form of 1.3 million digital Kruddecoin. The Kruddecoin turned out to be counterfeit script issued by the Mafia on the Planet Zardoc.
Mr. Claus was arrested by the Schnotzelvakian Secret Service. He was denied bail and will be held until his trial, sometime in 2026.
In order to save Christmas, Mr. Claus attempted to get some of his associates to fill in for him but had no luck. The Reindeer Union refused, citing the fact that they did not have a signed working contract. The Tooth Fairy declined, stating that he was in Switzerland having Botox treatments. The Easter Bunny also declined, saying he was spending the holidays with Donald Trump in hopes of becoming his running mate in the 2024 election.
SNN Christmas Words to Live By
“Bah Humbug.” — Ebaneezer Scrooge.
“Santa Claus is watching you.” — Ray Stevens, Santa Claus is Watching You, 1963 song.
“It’s better to give than to have to buy ointment.” — Chuck Barris, The Gong Show.
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