Goat Steps Down as Patriots Coach - Dave Henry, Humor Times

New England Patriots coach, called “The GOAT,” announces he is stepping down after a Hall of Fame career.

The New England Patriots coach who is widely considered the goat among NFL coaches stepped down this week after an illustrious career that will no doubt put him in the Hall of Fame.

Longtime Patriots kicking coach Gus, an actual goat, decided to hang up his cloven hooves and call it quits last week. Gus, the first non-human kicking coach in the history of the NFL, is widely considered the greatest animal coach of all-time, or GOAT.

“Yup, it’s time for me to put myself out to pasture, literally” said Gus. “I’m going to live in a great pasture out near Foxboro where the grass and hay is plentiful and I can live out my golden years chewing my cud.”

Gus was hired in 2000 by former Patriots coach Bill Belichick to work with his young kicker Adam Vinatieri, who Gus helped turn Vinatieri into the greatest kicker of all time.

“You know everyone thinks the GOAT means greatest of all time, but fun fact, when people first started calling Adam the GOAT it was because he kicked like an actual goat, thanks to me,” said Gus. “I taught him everything he knows. After that, the name just stuck.”

Gus, whose real name is Huckleberry McWhiskers, was born in 1971 on a farm in McKeesport, Pennsylvania, raised by a single goat parent after his dad was senselessly slaughtered and eaten when the farmer thought he was a sheep.

“I had your typical goat childhood, living in a filthy pen, pooping on the ground, eating grass, learning to baaahhhh, pretty normal stuff,” said Gus. “But that all changed when I watched the 1976 Disney film “Gus” one day through the living room window.”

The film, starring Don Knotts, is about a mule that gets a job as an NFL kicker.

“It really made me believe I could aspire to more than a cushy job at a petting zoo — I could be a kicker like Gus!”

He got so good at kicking around the farm that people starting calling him Gus after his hero and the name stuck. He worked his way up the ranks as a kicker for his farm animal football team before beginning a coaching career that eventually brought him to Foxboro.

The notoriously cheap Belichick saw an opportunity to hire a kicking coach for a salary of hay and carrots as opposed to dollars and jumped at the chance.

“Gus has been great … (mumble mumble, lip smack, snort),” Belichick said. “A real pioneer in the sport (unintelligible words, teeth sucking sound, cough, phlegm). We’ll miss him. On to Cincinnati … or wherever. I don’t really care anymore.”

Belichick also announced this week that he is stepping down as head coach of the Patriots after 24 seasons, but the news of his departure was overshadowed by Gus.

“I’m the real GOAT you know,” said a miffed Belichick. “I won 6 Super Bowls, have more wins than almost anyone, and I created Tom Brady! What did Gus do, teach people how to kick? Big whoop. Belichick out!”

Gus is only the second four legged animal to coach in the NFL after Otto The Elephant spent one season as offensive line coach for the Raiders in 1978.

Author
Recent Posts

Dave Henry

Dave’s work has appeared in various publications including End of the Bench, Robot Butt, and The Spoof, as well as many unfunny outlets. He also sometimes refers to himself in the third person.