[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

The Mother of AI Proclaims ‘Artificial Ignorance for All People’

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

The Mother of AI has pledged to make Artificial Ignorance for all people the world over.

Dr. Brigette Bardeaux Brainfahrt, the Slobovian Nuclear Spazmodic scientist known the world over as “The Mother of AI (Artificial Ignorance)” discovered Artificial Ignorance while working for the Slobovian Secret Service. She has since pledged to make “Artificial Ignorance available for all people the world over.”

Shohei Ohtani, Mother of AI
With enough of the Mother of AI’s good stuff, you could be another Shohei Ohtani. From kantei.go.jp, CC BY 4.0.

Dr. Brainfhart is a Mega genius. Her IQ is reported to be around 850. By the time she was 7, she held PHDs in both Psychonuclear Phylaphitization and Funecular Sybyabbaziby. At 14, she issued her famous Theory of Grabassity.

She said “Our new venture is ‘Artificial Ignorance is US.’ Anybody with 10 dollars can get a share of AI.”

Artificial Ignorance will be packaged in units known as Gliddy Glitter Gloopes or Triple G’s. With 5 Triple G’s you can ace the SAT, write a short story, magically put $500.00 in your bank account or make hand grenades from Passion Fruits.

With 100 Triple G’s, you can write a novel, get your PhD from any university, make yourself a millionaire or build a nuclear device. With 500 Triple G’s, you can become Taylor Swift, Donald Trump, Shohei Ohtani or Daffy Duck.

With 2500 Triple G’s you could easily assume rulership of America, China and Russia. With 5000 Triple G’s, you could safely blow up the world and start civilization over again with you in total control.

As far as cost is concerned, the more AI you buy, the more expensive it gets.

Five Triple G’s will cost you about $800.00 USD. The world-ending 5000 Triple G’s will run you about $250,000,000.00.

Dr. Brainfhart explained that Artificial Ignorance is different from the more popular Artificial Intelligence. She explained, “Artificial Intelligence is mild, it’s like a loaded gun… nothing happens until someone pulls the trigger. On the other hand, Artificial Ignorance is a raging inferno with a life of its own, always seeking to bust loose.”

Dr. Brainfhart also stated that she is the only human immune to the effects of Artificial Ignorance.

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SNN Words to Live By

“You are perfection .you are my idea of angels singing the Ave Maria.” — Andy Williams, “So Rare,” 1959 song.

“Wise men speak because they have something to say, fools speak because they have to say something.” — Plato.

“In our country, civil disobedience is a birthright.” — Dick Loudon (Bob Newhart), “Newhart” 1980’s TV series.

The Question of the Week

What’s your favorite word in the English language? (Give your answer in the Comments below.)

Authors pick: Muthafucka.

Ted Holland