Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews former President George W Bush.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is the 43rd President of the United States George W. Bush.
PRESIDENT GEORGE W BUSH
Mucho Taco Bell, Amigos.
JERRY
I see you haven’t gotten any smarter.
BUSH
My mother said I was blessed with natural stupidity.
JERRY
What’s that big package you’re carrying?
BUSH
I painted a portrait of you.
JERRY
You paint?
BUSH
Yep. By numbers.
Bush unwraps the package.
JERRY
What the hell is this?! It’s a blank canvas.
BUSH
That’s right. I call it “Jerry’s Empty Head.”
JERRY
Take a trip to Iraq and look harder for Saddam’s nuclear weapons.
BUSH
Good idea, Duncan. I dug up my ranch trying to find em. They ain’t there, partner.
JERRY
You were the president for two terms. The first election in 2008, you beat Al Gore by just 537 votes. The Supreme Court had to declare the winner.
BUSH
I won because like I said in one of my campaign speeches, I knew “how hard it was for Americans to put food on their family.” Those winning votes came from retired comedians in Florida.
JERRY
You were a drunk before you met your wife Laura in 1977.
BUSH
I miss those days. I distrusted camels and anyone else who could go a week without a drink.
JERRY
Laura saved you ass. You got sober.
BUSH
Yes, sir. She was the original desperate housewife.
JERRY
You owned the Texas Rangers baseball team, an oil company, worked on your father’s presidential campaign in 1988. Then became the Governor of Texas from 1995-2000.
BUSH
And that’s how I learned about the Axis of Evil.
JERRY
North Korea, Iraq and Iran. Right?
BUSH
No. O.J. Simpson, Charles Manson and Son of Sam.
JERRY
Your first year as president, the Twin Towers in New York City were attacked on September 11, 2001. What was going on in your head?
BUSH
Not much. I was taken to a secured bunker. I remember smoking marijuana. Afterwards, meeting a mother of a child who was abducted by North Koreans right in the Oval Office.
JERRY
Are you delusional?
BUSH
I’m Methodist.
JERRY
You started wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. I understand why you wanted to kill Osama bin laden. He was the mastermind behind 9/11. But Saddam Hussein?
BUSH
Why not? It’s only a 6 hour plane ride from Afghanistan to Iraq. I had plenty of frequent flyer miles on Air Force One.
(chuckles) Hee hee hee.
JERRY
Let’s discuss your time in office. You increased Federal spending and cut taxes for the wealthy.
BUSH
(chuckles) Hee hee hee. My peeps.
JERRY
When you took office, there was a 237 billion dollar surplus. When you left 8 years later, the deficit was 162 billion.
BUSH
It’s Newton’s law of gravy. What goes up must come down.
JERRY
What about Hurricane Katrina in 2005? You didn’t do anything about the flooding in New Orleans for two days.
BUSH
I really feel bad about Katrina. But look at the bright side. There was fishin in the French Quarter. I caught me a big Red Snapper on Bourbon Street.
JERRY
Trump is going to destroy our democracy if he is elected president.
BUSH
I want him to win.
JERRY
Because he’s a Republican?
BUSH
No. Americans will forget what a joke I was.
JERRY
You talk like an idiot.
BUSH
Of course, I talk like an idiot. How else could you understand me?
JERRY
President George W. Bush everyone. See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
