[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Social Justice Platforms Suggest New Holidays

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

Certain groups have suggested a group of new holidays to reflect the essence of today’s “New America.”

new holidays carjacking
A new “National Carjacking Day” could result in more fun scenes like this! Pursuit of carjacking suspect ends in collision. Photo: zoomar, flicker.com, CC BY-NC 2.0. 

Madam Doctor Ophelia Yudamn Skippy, chairperson of the social justice platform “Let’s Start Some Shit,” and Doctor D’ya Smellemee of the “White Ain’t Rite Project” say that American holidays should reflect the essence of current America. Therefore, they are proposing the following national new holidays:

  • National Mass Shooting day
  • National Carjacking Day
  • National Shoot A Rapper Day
  • National Lying-ass News Broadcast Day
  • National Online Scam Day
  • National Campus Riot Day
  • National Smash and Grab Day
  • National If You White You Ain’t Right Day
  • National Just Give Everybody Some Damn Cash Day
  • National Get Outa Jail Free Day
  • National Let’s Fuck With Trump Day
  • National Random Act of Violence Day

This report was filed by SNN Sociopath Reporter Gunnz Uppe.

From the Slobovian Culture Notebook

By Doctor Bartholomew Hottemesski, Slobovian Minister Of Culture.

The Origin of “Brunch”

Once upon a time in ancient Slobovia there was a lazy-ass witch named Brunchipoo, who was a cook in Mighty Byg Wytch’s kitchen. Brunchipoo’s job was to prepare the daily Sunrise meal for the Byg Wytch.

Brunchipoo would stay up all night getting drunk, cackling, seducing all the male wytches and turning people into frogs, goats and snakes. Therefore, the Byg Witch would not get her sunrise meal until the hour of the Squatt (approximately 11 AM) and she was not pleased, so she threw Brunchipoo out on her ass.

But Brunchipoo found a holler and kept cooking her 11 AM meal, and it became very popular with the nightcrawlers around Slobovia. Soon the saying was “Let’s do some Brunchipoo,” and finally, “Let’s do brunch.”

SNN Words to Live By

“Faint heart never filled a flush.” — Pappy Maverick—Maverick, 1950’s TV series.

“Monday stinks.” — Dr. Robert Hartley (Bob Newhart), Bob Newhart Show, 1970’s sitcom.

“Real life should be just like the Donna Reed Show — a half hour on a Thursday night.” — Slobovian poet Uppyarootypoote, 58 BC.

“Friends are like toilet paper — it’s best to have extra under the sink.” — Dr. Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons), Big Bang Theory, 2000’s sitcom.

Question of the Week

What’s the biggest lie you ever told? (Post your answer in the comments below.)

Author’s pick: In the seventh grade I told the other kids that I had a horse.

Ted Holland