Biden Appoints First Baby to High Court

Lil Tommy is the first baby nominated to the Supreme Court, a “security blanket” for liberals on the bench.

With sensitive man-baby Clarence Thomas planning to leave the Supreme Court and live in an RV that Harlan Crow gave him, President Joe Biden has decided to nominate one-year-old Tommy McGee to be the first baby on the Supreme Court.

The action to nominate McGee, who his parents call “Lil Tommy,” could potentially secure a Democrat on the bench for the next 100-plus years.

First baby nominated to the Supreme Court.

Lil Tommy seemed very happy upon hearing the news, banging the table with his toy gavel joyfully from his highchair. He then smiled and said, ”more,” holding up his bottle, indicating he wanted more milk. “I like milk.”

Republicans were upset with the nomination, claiming Lil Tommy was not qualified for the job.

“Where does he stand on abortion? What are his thoughts on the death penalty?” asked Republican Senator Lindsey Graham. “Can he even speak more than 10 words? I’ll have a lot of questions at the confirmation hearing.”

But Biden was quick to point out that it was not proper for a Supreme Court nominee to comment on hypotheticals or provide any answers that might reveal his position on any subject.

“Just like Justice Amy Coney Barrett didn’t answer any questions during her nomination hearing, Lil Tommy won’t answer any questions either,” said Biden.

Democratic Senator Dick Durbin was thrilled with the pick, adding that Lil Tommy should have no problem sailing through the nomination process.

“Yes, he is very green, but his daycare provider said Lil Tommy is an extremely fast learner. He already knows about half the alphabet, but gets tripped up at L-M-N-O-P,” said Durbin.

Durbin also boasted that there is very little dirt anyone can dig up on Lil Tommy. The only potential skeleton in Lil Tommy’s closet is that he reportedly bit a girls finger in daycare as they were fighting over blocks. But Durbin reminds everyone that Lil Tommy was only 6 months old when that happened. He has since apologized to the girl, little Molly, and has matured quite a bit since then.

The senior senator from Illinois also pointed out that Lil Tommy is politically agnostic and independent, not registered in either party, mainly because he’s only 1. Just because both his parents are liberals does not necessarily mean that Lil Tommy will share their views when he grows up, Durbin added.

“I am just thrilled that we will have Lil Tommy on the bench for the next century. Given the advances in science and all, Lil Tommy could live to 120,” said Durbin, “and spend all those years on the Supreme Court.”

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Dave Henry

Dave’s work has appeared in various publications including End of the Bench, Robot Butt, and The Spoof, as well as many unfunny outlets. He also sometimes refers to himself in the third person.