[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Bohemian Club Figures Large in Clarence Thomas Finances Again

Supreme Court observer “Fix the Court” releases damning report about Clarence Thomas and his finances.

Last week, the Supreme Court observer “Fix the Court” released a report announcing that since his appointment in 1991, Justice “Grease My Palm” Clarence Thomas, the longest serving justice, has received in excess of $4 million above and beyond his annual $300,000 salary. The median salary of U.S. citizens is but $75,000 per year.

Clarence Thomas and wifeJustice Samuel Alito, like Thomas, a Republican nominee, received just south of $200,000 since his appointment. The late Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg, the only Democratic nominee to the court with any appreciable extraneous income, received some $60,000 in gifts. Thomas had nothing to say about Alito, but said of Ginsberg, “Greedy progressive twit!”

According to the Fix the Court website, Thomas received some 193 substantiated gifts; however, this did not include another 126 “likely but unconfirmed” gifts. Remarked Thomas: “Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades,” and he chuckled darkly.

“Supreme Court justices should not be accepting gifts, let alone the hundreds of freebies worth millions of dollars they’ve received over the years,” Fix the Court’s Gabe Roth said in a statement. When confronted with this remark by reporters at the Ponderosa Steakhouse all-you-can-eat buffet on Saturday, Clarence Thomas was disdainful. “Roth is another bad Jew,” he huffed, then echoed remarks made by Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R. GA), regarding “Jewish space lasers” and “Jewish media influence.”

Much of the largesse to Thomas has come at the hands of conservative billionaire Harlan Crow, who has befriended Thomas for decades, including a half dozen trips — worth more than $300,000 — to Bohemian Grove, the all-male club located north of San Francisco, in Sonoma County. Bohemian Grove has been the stomping grounds of the rich and influential for more than 150 years and according to Yulek Dresseli, an undercover journalist who gained repeated access between 2007 – 2023, untoward goings on have transpired.

Dresseli penned a tell-all book about his experiences this year, titled “Playing Grab-Ass with the Big Boys,” which is currently No. 1 on the New York Times Best Seller List. Said Thomas in March, upon the release of the book: “I’d like to take a tire iron upside the head of that dego mother….”

According to the Bohemian Club’s website, membership rolls are secret, but members are said to include reverse mortgage king Tom Selleck, alt-right rocker Ted Nugent (who reportedly brought along 100s of his own small animals to blow away with an AR-15) and Russian President Vladimir Putin, whom journalist Dresseli averred was “The least authoritarian amongst the attendees.

Dresseli’s book claims that the two-week excursion involves “stage performances, rituals, a lot of drinking and open-air urination,” as well as “the ritual deflowering of putative females.” Last year, the subjects of the ceremonies were allegedly Marjorie Taylor Greene, Lauren Boebert and Roseanne Barr. According to the book, Justice Thomas had to be induced to drink a pint of Everclear before he could or would “do it to it.”

Justice Thomas has, according to a press release, amended his tax returns for last year, not to reflect previously unreported income, but to show additional medical deductions. According to the release, Thomas incurred the expenses as a result of STDs he contracted owing to his most recent Bohemian Club excursion. According to a Thomas spokesperson, next year the Justice will forego the Bohemian Club for an RV tour of Western U.S. Walmart parking lots.

Bill Tope