[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Supreme Court Grants Trump Blanket Immunity

Future News: Blanket immunity granted, SCOTUS is in ex-president’s pocket again.

The Supreme Court of the United States announced today their decision in the case of Trump v. The United States of America, wherein the ex-president’s claim of wide presidential blanket immunity is at issue.

blanket immunity
Supreme Court. Photo: Fred Schilling, Public Domain.

In a 6-3 decision, the Court ruled that Trump — and Trump alone — has “full, complete and comprehensive immunity” against prosecution for crimes committed “before, during and after his presidential term.”

Justice Samuel Alito authored the opinion, and wrote that, “The President, since he’s white, is alright.”

He went on to quote some statements attributable to former Confederate Army officer Nathan Bedford Forest, founder of the Klu Klux Klan and a distant relative of Alito’s militant spouse, Martha-Ann. Alito then noted that he didn’t believe this ruling would be applicable to a minority president. “If you’re Black,” Alito wrote in long hand with a Sharpie, “then stay back.”

Court insiders say this ruling would effectively nullify the E. Jean Carroll defamation case; the New York fraud case, where Trump was assessed $355 million in damages; the Manhattan falsified records case, where Trump was convicted on 34 counts; as well as other pending cases against the former president, in Florida, Georgia and Washington D.C. Trump can also look forward to recouping the $25 million in damages he forfeited in the Trump University fraud trial.

This ruling is viewed by legal pundits as an elaborate expansion of presidential immunity as outlined in the seminal Mississippi v. Johnson case. Said Justice Thomas, at the press conference and buffet following today’s session: “Trump is as good a president as Andrew Johnson any day of the month; moreover,” he added, “he’s better than Grant and Harding, and even Nixon!,” Thomas was then escorted by his legal clerk to the SCOTUS break room, where he was to undergo an intravenous infusion of amphetamine and ED medication.

Further, the Court’s ruling is seen as a rebuke of Clinton v. Jones, which ruled that the chief executive did not have “qualified immunity from civil suit for conduct alleged to have taken place prior to his election.” Reached at his temporary cell in Manhattan, former President Donald J. Trump remarked, “All them chicks they say I porked; well, I did it, and there ain’t nothing you can do about it, so nyaah!”

This ruling is also seen as a bold interpretation of Article II Section 2 of the U.S. Constitution or, as Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson remarked, “Bat shit crazy.”

Also in attendance and celebrating the Court’s foundational ruling were House Speaker Mike Johnson; possible VP contenders Sen. Tim Scott (R. SC), dog killer Kristi Noem (R. SD), sex toy maker Vivek Ramaswamy; and cross-dressing Florida Governor Ron DeSantis. All of them were decked out in blue suit coat, white shirt and extra long red tie, in homage to their benefactor, Jesus Christ Trump, who couldn’t appear because he was in court for the 145th day in a row.

Bill Tope