They say Mitt’s too stiff, but check it out, he’s got chops!
That Mitt Romney sure has a sense of humor. How about that joke he just made about his wife’s plane filling up with smoke and she was choking and why didn’t they just open a window. Ha! Ha! What a funny guy! Don’t you wish you were married to Mitt? Just how much fun has it been for Ann all those years together?
Scene 1: Hospital, 1970. First son is born.
Mitt: Hey Doc, can’t you help her out or something? You know, my mother said when I was born they gave her a bullet to bite on. I’ve got a bullet right here in my pocket, ha ha, no, not that bullet, ha ha!
Doctor: Mr. Romney, we’re trying to help your wife give birth. She’s probably not in the mood for jokes right now. Why don’t you wait outside?
Mitt: Nah, if I did I’d have to finish my homework for college. You know, I think they call our school Brigham Young because the guys who go there bring ’em into the world young, you know? Get it? We get married young, we have babies young? Brigham…Ha ha!”
Mitt: Hey Annie, we’re going to play a game now so you’re not thinking so much about your, um, pain. It hurts, right? Hey! I see our baby coming out. Look, look, I see his head! Wow, Doc, he’s coming out!
Mitt reaches out and touches the baby.
Mitt: Tag, you’re it! Ha ha! Say, I’m Mitt, like a baseball glove, he’s tag like in tag you’re it! Let’s call him Tag, OK, Annie? Or Taggart, you know, because Tag Hurt! Get it? Ha ha! We’ll call him Tagg for short!
Scene 2: Phone conversation, 1980
Ann: I’m pregnant, again Mitt.
Tagg, Matt, Josh and Ben are playing with plastic guns, you can hear them screaming in the background.
Mitt: Fantastic! Listen to those strong little men we have. Oh, just think how much fun it will be to have another little guy at home while I’m working at Bain here day and night? Ha! It’s just what you need, right? Ha, ha!
Ann: What makes you think it’s going to be another boy? It could be a girl.
Mitt: I don’t think so! Gotta run honey, but glad you’ve got another one in the oven. How come you just can’t cook up babies in the oven, anyway? You know, just you and me get in the oven wearing as little as possible and get out and wait for the timer to go off? Ding! Tagg! Matt! Josh! Ben! New baby!
Ann: I’ve got my hands full already, Mitt. I’m in big trouble.
Mitt: Ha ha! I think you are in big trouble! And you’re going to get big again, bigger and bigger! Ha ha!
Scene 3, Packing for Trip, 1983
Ann: Where are we going to fit everything, Mitt? We have all this stuff to bring. Craig can sit on my lap, I guess Ben can sit in Josh’s lap, but that still leaves us, Matt, Tagg and Seamus.
Mitt: Well, then, team, somebody is just going to have ride on the roof, ha ha! Get some fresh air. Boys, which one of you wants to ride on the roof?
Craig, Ben and Josh start to cry
Ann: You’re scaring them again, Mitt.
Mitt: Ho! Ho!
Ann: They’re just little kids, Mitt.
Mitt: OK, mother, OK. Tagg and Matt, you boys are older. Which one of you wants to ride on the roof?
Tagg and Matt: I do!
Ann: Mitt. The older boys cannot ride on the roof either.
Mitt: Uh oh. Mommy says no again. So, I guess it’s Seamus. C’mon pup, get in your carrier and I’ll strap you on top of the car. It’s only 12 hours. You can pretend you’re Snoopy being the pilot. Hang on, Snoopy, hang on. Get it? Ha ha ha!
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