Barron Trump Enrolls at Trump University

According to online rumors, Barron Trump was rejected by Harvard – but luckily he had a solid backup.

19-year-old Barron Trump, scion of President Donald J. Trump and wife Melania Trump, has enrolled as a sophomore for the summer term at Trump University. In the 10-week session, the youngest of the Trump children will study courses in real estate, asset management, entrepreneurship, wealth creation and pig-Latin.

Young Trump reportedly experienced some difficulty in transferring credits from NYU’s Stern School of Business, where he earned a “gentleman’s C” in his freshman year. The problem, according to Melania Trump, was that TU has no registrar, bursar, department of records or admissions; no president, provost, deans or chancellor or board of trustees.

Nor does it have a physical structure resembling what is generally considered a university. Instead, students are given an iPhone ($900 extra) and a loose leaf notebook. “It has long been the policy of Trump University,” said “Buddy,” who identified himself as a “salesman and hustler,” to “not waste money on physical facilities.” Students currently enrolled at Trump University convene at a variety of venues, including neighborhood McDonalds, Arby’s and of course, Taco Bells.

Trump University was founded, according to White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, on “a wild hair” in 2004 and operated from 2005-2010. In 2011 it was involved in litigation with reportedly dissatisfied students, who in 2016 received a $25 million settlement from the newly-elected President Trump.

After Trump assumed office a second time, however, his Justice Department petitioned the U.S. Supreme Court to strike down the settlement and grant TU its bona fides. Since the Court acted, Attorney General Pam Bondi has been busily recovering funds disbursed as part of the judgement. The opposing litigants have been deported to El Salvador for “national security reasons.”

Trump said on his media platform Truth Social that he expects “great things” from Trump University, but adds that “international students and students from shithole countries are not welcome.” A bright spot on the horizon, said Trump is the “breadth of fascinating commencement speakers” he’s booked for the University.

These luminaries include entertainers Kid Rock, Kanye West, Roseanne Barr and Ted Nugent, as well as entrepreneur Elon Musk. Trump promised a free test drive in a new Tesla as well as a package of Trojan condoms for a reduced price.

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Bill Tope

Bill Tope is a retired (caseworker, cook, construction worker, nude model for art classes, and so on) who lives with his mean little cat Baby.