Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Jessica Biel and Whoopi Goldberg, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Jessica Biel, Whoopi Goldberg — Jessica Biel worried about Whoopi?

Jessica Biel worries The View’s Whoopi Goldberg doesn’t ‘wanna be friends’ anymore after learning she eats in the shower

If Jessica can forgive Whoopi for Sister Act 2, they’re even.

L.A. Mayor Bass sets curfew for part of DTLA

I’m thinking they should move protests to Dodger Stadium. That way people will show up late and leave early.

Soviet-era spacecraft plunges to Earth after 53 years stuck in orbit

Yeah right … more likely it got pushed out a window.

Trump says Russian leader Vladimir Putin ‘has gone absolutely CRAZY!’

I thought the conflict was over on Jan. 21st, as promised. Did I miss something?

Justin Baldoni’s $400 million lawsuit in jeopardy after reporter admits texting mistake

The movie about this should be called: “It Ends With Us Not Giving a Rat’s Ass.”

NASA’s Mars Perseverance snaps a selfie as a Martian dust devil blows by.

So that’s where Elon’s been …

McDonald’s has secret menu

… Then why use that crappy one?

California Senator Alex Padilla pushes back against DHS Secretary Noem’s claim he barged into news conference

On a related note, Alex Padilla is grad of MIT; while Kristi Noem can’t get into the ASPCA.

Costa Rica police seize 5 capybaras, crack cocaine and marijuana from fleeing vehicle

They were part of the troop “Crack du Soleil …”

Stephen A. Smith was seen playing Solitaire in Indianapolis during Game 4 of the NBA Finals

Well, in fairness, he does look like a guy who plays with himself.

Trump turned 79

… Which is 553 in dog whistle years.

Russian scientists discover a new island in the Caspian Sea

… And Ginger and Mary Ann …

Marijuana refugees face real estate challenges

Yeah, wherever they go, the neighborhood goes to pot.

The cost to US taxpayers for sending troops to LA $124 million

… And that’s just for parking.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)