Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews cartoon legend Betty Boop.
ANNOUNCER
From beautiful downtown Slenderville, Minnesota, it’s the Minnesota Nice Radio Show. And here’s your host Tommy Ellis.
TOMMY ELLIS
Welcome to the show. Today is excitin’. The Nielsen audio ratings came out. We’re the number 1 show in the upper Midwest. My boss is so happy she gave me two free tickets to The Rolling Stones Geriatrics Tour in Fargo.
They say the good thing about old age is it don’t last long. Someone needs to pinch me. I can’t believe celebrities young and old wanna be on the show. Especially today’s guest, cartoon legend Betty Boop.
Good mornin’, Betty.
BETTY BOOP
Boop-Oop-a-Doop.
TOMMY
Back at ya, babe. Wow, you don’t look a day over 30!
BETTY
I’m 95. Born in 1930.
TOMMY
Whoa! How do ya stay so young lookin?
BETTY
When I was 37, I put myself in Cryonics Anonymous. Ever hear of it?
TOMMY
Sure. It’s from drinkin’ too much. Half of Slenderville is enrolled.
BETTY
No. That’s Alcoholics Anonymous. I was stored with a bunch of dead people in liquid nitrogen to stop my body from decaying.
TOMMY
At least ya ain’t an alkie. Better to be dead.
BETTY
Well, I wasn’t dead forever. I was released in 2003.
TOMMY
Ya mean you’re the livin’ dead.
BETTY
It’s complicated,Tommy. While I was there, I fell in love. The man had the most magnificent head I’ve ever seen. And it was bigger than mine.
TOMMY
Who was the lucky fella?
BETTY
Baseball player Ted Williams.
TOMMY
Holy crap. The guy hit 521 home runs. He was stealin’ so many bases they had to call the cops.
BETTY
I know. The problem was Ted only had a head, and it was bobbing all the time.
TOMMY
Great for Halloween. Just sayin’.
BETTY
After meeting Ted, I haven’t been able to settle for anyone else.
TOMMY
Don’t give up, you’re only 95. What a career, Betty. You appeared in 90 cartoons from 1930-39. Had a comic strip, two television specials, and now a hit show on Broadway called Boop! The Musical .
BETTY
I’m adorable. This baby face of mine with big eyes. A nose like a button, and a tiny body.
TOMMY
You is too skinny! If ya swallowed a pea, it’d look like you was pregnant. You could hula hoop with a Cheerio, and hang glide on a Dorito.
BETTY
Doesn’t matter what you think. I’m a sex symbol. I wear short dresses, high heels, a garter, and show cleavage. I’m forever young.
TOMMY
All good. You betcha. Tell me…how will I know when I’m gettin’ old?
BETTY
When your balls touch the toilet water. Boop-Ooop-a-Doop.
TOMMY
Betty Boop. See ya tomorrow.
Minnesota Nice
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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