[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Clarence Thomas Briefs Press on SCOTUS Accomplishments

As dictated by Llib Epot, Conservative Capitol Correspondent

Convening at The Stagger Inn in DC, Judge Thomas bragged about what he perceives as SCOTUS accomplishments.

Breaking precedent, Associate Supreme Court Justice Clarence “Lumpy” Thomas met with conservative reporters on Monday for an interview to brief them on recent SCOTUS accomplishments. This came following the unveiling of several highly anticipated Supreme Court rulings earlier in the day. Thomas remarked with a laugh that he enjoyed breaking precedent.

Justice Clarence Thomas on SCOTUS Accomplishments
Justice Clarence Thomas brags about what he perceives as “SCOTUS accomplishments.” Photo: Earl McDonald, National Archives and Records Administration, Public Domain

The group convened at The Stagger Inn, a well known watering hole in D.C. At a corner table, the Justice busied himself by rolling a joint and ordering beers for himself and the reporters. He told the waitress: “Put it on Harlan Crow‘s tab.”

Fox News host Jesse Watters, who is not actually a journalist, but plays one on TV, got the ball rolling by asking Thomas, “What do you feel is the most far-reaching and significant ruling issued by the Court this term?”

“Legalization of bump stocks,” replied Thomas at once, inserting the doobie between his lips and lighting it. The press waited expectantly as Thomas held the smoke in his lungs and then expelled a cloud of blue vapor. “It affects everything,” declared Thomas, who has served on the Court since 1991. “Now, it’ll be easier to contain crowds, like the Black Lives Don’t Matter rioters, and the caravans of migrants who be comin’ over the border and poisonin’ our blood lines.”

Asked if he was suggesting that migrants be gunned down, Thomas drank deeply from his third schooner of beer and remarked, “That would not be…judicious.” After a moment, everyone laughed merrily. Thomas passed the joint to Waters, who inhaled deeply. The end of the joint burned brightly.

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, flashing a press card from the Wall Street Journal, asked, “Sugar, when are you going to do something about them space lasers all the bad Jews are using?” Ignoring the query, Thomas stared into Greene’s blue eyes and asked her if she’d like to check out his Long Dong Silver videos, which he said were in his RV, parked in the tavern parking lot. The couple rose from the table and exited the bar, but returned within ten minutes, the ghost of a smile on both their faces.

The third member of the press, George Soros, was there, he said, representing the New York Times. He volunteered that he was shagging Maggie Haberman. When asked for proof, Soros flashed a set of candid photos. Soros asked Thomas: “What do you make of Trump’s claim of blanket immunity?” Thomas sipped his eleventh beer and replied, “Trump is God!” He would say nothing more.

Waters next asked if there was any substance to allegations of intrigue and hard feelings on the Supreme Court. Thomas took a vial from his robes and shook out several pills and pushed them between his lips. “What’s that?” asked Waters. “Viagra,” replied Thomas, and Taylor Greene snarked, “You shoulda’ thought of that before!” Thomas only shrugged and frowned.

Addressing Waters’s question, the Justice said that Justice Katanji Brown Jackson was always “trying to jump my bones.” Jackson, asserted Thomas irritably, “only got on the Court through Affirmative Action,” which Thomas was only too happy to torpedo. “Ah’ don’t hang ’round wit’ nigras,” he declared. Then he complained that migrants were taking “Black jobs.” He said that Justice Sonia Sotomayor had “crept across the border” and taken a job on the Court that should have gone to Sen. Tim Scott (R. SC).

At around a quarter to one in the morning, Thomas began to wax philosophical. “Trump,” said Thomas ponderously, “is not a crook” because “if the president does it, then it’s not illegal.” Asked about the retroactive effects if the Court’s ruling, Thomas announced that all Trump’s previous convictions are hereby nullified. “An’, he didn’t rape that woman,” declared Thomas. “She wasn’t his type!” he explained, and then passed out.

Bill Tope