[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Breaking Sports News: Tombs of the Original Baseball Gods Unearthed

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

A world-famous explorer has discovered the tombs of the Original Baseball Gods.

SNN Executive Sports Editor and former MLB batboy Phil Phoulballze reports that he has received an exclusive communique from Dr. Backdoor Cutter, head of the World Baseball Thang, announcing that world famous explorer Slobovia Jones (Indiana Jones’ 32nd cousin, 13 times removed) has located the tombs of the original Baseball Gods deep in the Watamalian jungles.

Dave Kingman, baseball gods apostle
Dave Kingman, nicknamed “King Kong,” was a first baseman and apostle of Baseball God King Swatte.

This is groundbreaking news for millions of avid baseball fans around the world. While the creation of baseball is attributed to Abner Doubleday in the 1800’s, the game goes back to the era of the ancient Slobovian Gods who played the game using clouds and lightning bolts.

Baseball came to earth in the form of the game of Gavonkis during the fourth Slobbopanesian War around 679 BC.

Gavonkis was played with war clubs and severed heads and was instituted by Slobboroman Emporer Fumpo Gluteus (known as Fumpo the Asshole.)

A game of Gavonkis was used to settle the famous Battle of Jockstrappe in which Fumpo’s team defeated a Schnotzelvakian team led by Prince Bodiddly of Squatte.

It has been reported that the gods became angry that earth beings were attempting their game, and secretly hid away on the isle of NunYa to play in peace and away from humans. When the gods died, they were secretly entombed by an obedient slave named Slidinpants.

Dr. Cutter stated that tombs of the following baseball gods were unearthed:

King Swatte — The king and most powerful of the gods. His apostles include Babe Ruth, Barry Bonds, Hank Aaron, King Kong Kingman and Aaron Judge.

Heate — The mortal enemy of King Swatte and the Patron God of Pitchers. His apostles include Nolan Ryan, Randy Johnson, Bob Gibson and Roger Clemens.

Dirte — The player’s player. Apostles include Ernie Banks, Ty Cobb and Pete Rose.

Duste — The fastest of the baseball gods and the idol of Ricky Henderson, Maury Wills, Otis Nixon and Lou Brock.

Pickit aka Glove — When they hit the ball, somebody’s got to catch it. Apostles include Ozzie Smith, Omar Vizquel, Willie Mays Brooks Robinson.

Unka Charlie — The god of the curve ball. Apostles include Sandy Koufax, Jerry Koosman, Bert Blyleven and Satchel Paige.

Meate — The patron of catchers. Apostles include Johnny Bench, Yogi Berra, Jorge Posada and Crash Davis.

SNN Words to Live By

“Boys who play with guns have to be ready to die like men.” — Vienna (Joan Crawford), Johnny Guitar, 1954 film.

“Dumb is forever.” — Mike Hammer (Stacy Keach), Mike Hammer, 1980’s TV series.

“Playing both ends against the middle is bad for the heart.” — Matt Jackson (David Brian), This Woman Is Dangerous, 1952 film.

“Whatever makes you happy sets you free.” — AT&T TV ad.

Question of the Week

What is your feel good song?

(Give your answer in the comments below. Author’s pick: I have two, Fools Rush In, by Ricky Nelson; and Morning Train by The Sensational Nightingales.)

Ted Holland