Exclusive! The day JFK walked onto the set of “The Lead with Jake Tapper” – an eyewitness account.
By Peter Merkl
Suddenly, JFK was standing there on the set of The Lead with Jake Tapper beside Mr. Tapper’s desk. You could tell it was him by the bullet hole in his neck and his bloodstained suit.
I was standing just out of camera shot waiting to hand Mr. Tapper his usual Venti Caramel Iced Macchiato, with 5 pumps vanilla, almond milk, blended ice, and chocolate drizzle when JFK appeared. As Mr. Tapper rose from the desk, I tried to give him the venti, but he waved me away with the back of his hand. Almost in a trance, he walked toward JFK and stuck his finger in the bullet hole. “It’s really you,” he gasped.
Smiling, JFK said, “Yes, Thomas.”
Confused, Mr. Tapper whispered “The name’s Jake.”
“It was a little joke. Never mind, I’m in a bit of a hurry. Marilyn and DiMaggio are in the flying saucer, and they’re starting to noodle; she loves a man in pinstripes. I’m here to give you the coordinates of a planet killer asteroid that will destroy the earth in six days. If you act with vigah, you have the technological resources to deflect it. Otherwise, Earth is doomed.”
Mr. Tapper nodded his head, shook the President’s hand, and intoned to the camera, “On behalf of a grateful planet, I thank you, sir. Is there anything we, as a species, can do to thank you for saving us?”
“Yes,” JFK said glancing at his watch, “I do ask a small favor in return. I’m here on behalf of the Intergalactic League of Planets. Frankly, we weren’t going to warn you at all because Earth was clearly headed toward an imminent nuclear holocaust anyway, so what’s the point? But very recently, you’ve shown a higher level of civilizational maturity. Twice, in the last few months, you’ve averted nuclear war.”
“Our League was certain that there’d be a cataclysmic nuclear exchange between Pakistan and India, but, out of nowhere, peace was declared. It also appeared Iran was headed toward a nuclear bomb, but that, too, was averted. It’s all really quite astonishing for you savages.”
“And they sent you,” Mr. Tapper proclaimed, staring meaningfully into the camera, “because of your courageous, statesmanlike actions to avoid nuclear apocalypse during the Cuban Missile Crisis?”
“No,” JFK replied, “Marilyn wanted a decent pastrami; we’re stopping at Katz’s. I didn’t even know DiMaggio was aboard until we were halfway here. The trip’s turned out to be a nightmare.”
Mr. Tapper put his hand over his heart. “We’ll gladly do whatever you ask. Please, just let us know what you want of us.”
JFK smiled. “Only that you allow me to present the Intergalactic Order of Peace Award on your show tomorrow night.”
Mr. Tapper’s eyes filled with tears. “I’d be honored. You can’t imagine how much that would mean to me and all of my colleagues at CNN. Upon whom is this intergalactic honor to be bestowed.”
“President Donald J. Trump.”
Mr. Tapper’s head swiveled wildly. “Where did Jack go!” he shouted. “What happened? Tell us the asteroid’s location! Please, Mr. President, help us!”
There was a commotion in the studio as everyone searched for JFK. Clearly, I was the only one who could see he was still standing there looking very confused. “What in God’s name just happened?” he asked me.
“They can’t see you anymore,” I told him. “They’re blinded by their hatred of Trump.”
“What about the viewers? Can they see me?”
“Not a one of them, because (in my best James Earl Jones) This is CNN.”
“Even at the cost of planetary annihilation, they still can’t see me?”
“Nope.”
“Why can you see me?”
“Jake went to Dartmouth. Most of these pompous jagoffs are Ivy Leaguers; they teach them everything except the difference between right and wrong, so they worshipped Biden and despise Trump…and Jews. They all make bank. I’m nobody, just the gofer. Never went to college.”
“Should I try Anderson Cooper?”
“Yale.”
“What about the TV networks? Or maybe announce the award in The New York Times or Washington Post?”
I burst out laughing. “No, dude, it’s hopeless. You’re wasting your –” Then I had a brilliant idea. “What if you gave the award to President Obama. They gave him the Nobel Peace Prize for no reason. You’d get wall-to-wall coverage on every outlet!”
“No,” JFK shook his head sadly, “the point was to give it to the actual peacemaker, Trump. Look, this thing with Marilyn and Joltin’ Joe is very distracting. You understand, right? Look me up in six days. Be careful what you wear on the last day; they don’t let you change clothes; Marilyn’s nude.”
And with that, JFK vanished.
Mr. Tapper sat down at his desk and bellowed for makeup and his macchiato.
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