Shareholders Demand Human Sacrifice - Dave Henry, Humor Times

Shareholders of TechGiant stock have had it with the company after the stock price tanked again this week.

While TechGiant grew revenue by an impressive 20% last quarter, that was 2% lower than some nebulous and half-baked estimates from Wall Street analysts. That, in turn, caused shareholders to flip out like 12 year olds at a Harry Styles concert and frantically sell their TechGiant stock.

“You know how much my portfolio of TechGiant stock went down last week because the company only grew revenue by 20% instead of 22%? Like $100. It’s ridiculous!” said a disgruntled shareholder.

Investors have already called for layoffs and the firing of thousands of employees because TechGiant failed to meet estimates by a bunch of nerds in suits based on 5 minutes of research and mostly guesswork.

Now, it has become clear that simply demanding that TechGiant employees lose their livelihoods and not be able to send their kids to college and become homeless is not enough. More drastic measures are required by management to right the ship.

“I want a human sacrifice,” said a shareholder, who asked to be identified simply as Bucky. “Somebody at TechGiant, preferably an executive, must die in order to get the stock price moving higher again.”

Bucky decreed that one employee must be killed every week until the stock price starts moving back up again. It is currently down 17% year-to-date.

“This is the only way they will fully understand the gravity of this issue,” said Bucky, who lives in his parents basement and spends 20 hours a day sports betting, day trading, and playing Fortnite.

Bucky said his TechGiant portfolio has gone down almost $200 overall this year, even though it’s not real losses, just unrealized losses in an account that will easily come back. But he says the stress of watching that investment fluctuate on his iPhone is aggravating.

“I can’t have that anymore,” said Bucky. “People have to die until they get it — and generate like 2% more growth to meet arbitrary estimates imposed by analysts who say things like ‘full stack.’ I realize this is tough love, but I believe the threat of death will get the team all pulling in the same direction to meet these all-important, but completely random and unserious estimates.”

Bucky doesn’t care which employee is sacrificed first, as long as one is indeed killed. He didn’t have a preference in how they were killed either.

“It doesn’t have to be gory, but some creativity would be nice. But that’s for management to decide,” said Bucky. “Just get it done. I, the almighty shareholder, have spoken. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER.”

Author
Recent Posts

Dave Henry

Dave’s work has appeared in various publications including End of the Bench, Robot Butt, and The Spoof, as well as many unfunny outlets. He also sometimes refers to himself in the third person.