Simon and Garfunkel Interview - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews rock star legends Simon and Garfunkel.

ANNOUNCER

From beautiful downtown Slenderville, Minnesota, it’s the Minnesota Nice Radio Show. And here’s your host Tommy Ellis.

Simon and Garfunkel performing at the 2010 New Orleans Jazz and Heritage Festival. Photo: Alaina Buzas, Creative Commons CC BY 2.0.

TOMMY ELLIS

Welcome listeners everywhere. Today I have the thrill of a lifetime. Sunsweet Growers, who grow plums to make their popular brand of prune juice is sponsoring the final tour of Simon and Garfunkel. And the president of the company wants me to interview these two 83-year-old seniors before their concert next month in Minneapolis. Ya know, I have this thing for Mrs. Robinson. Why couldn’t I find a babe like that when I was learnin’ about women? Someone told me Mrs. Robinson was a cougar, but I found out she was a cheetah. Ladies and gentlemen, rock star legends Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel of Simon and Garfunkel.

PAUL SIMON

Who are you?

ART GARFUNKEL

Are you talking to me?

PAUL

Go oil your creaky old bones with WD-40. I’m talking to a podcaster somewhere in Yachupitzville.

TOMMY

No. Slenderville.

PAUL

Same thing.

TOMMY

It says in my notes that you two met in elementary school in Queens, New York.

ART

Yeah. I taught Paul harmony. It helped him write songs. Our first hit was in 1957 when we were in high school called Hey Schoolgirl.

PAUL

Corny lyrics.

TOMMY

Let me hear em’.

PAUL

Really? Okay. (recites lyrics) I got to whisper way down low. To say who-bop-a-loo-chi-bop. Let’s meet after school at three.

TOMMY

No wonder ya couldn’t get a date. Ya never learned English. Pretty lame song.

ART

That’s what I told him.

PAUL

Hey. It got us a contract at Columbia Records, Goldilocks.

ART

Sorry. I promised not to start a fight. I need the money for medical marijuana and a weed whacker for my hair.

PAUL

Art’s hair is so dangerous, his nickname in school was Barb Wire.

TOMMY

I hear Edward Scissorhands cuts hair cheap, Art. Just sayin’. In 1965, your song Sounds of Silence became number one on Billboard Hot 100. Two years later, it was used in the soundtrack for The Graduate.

ART

We were riding high in the music business until Paul and I had a falling out. According to Paul, there were artistic differences. We split. I had a big hit call I Only Have Eyes For You in 1975.

PAUL

And I had a huge hit with my album Graceland in 1986.

TOMMY

But you reunited in 1993 and 2009. Aging never got you two down.

PAUL

Of course. It’s hard to get back up.

TOMMY

Paul. How do ya keep writin’ and performin’ all them songs?

PAUL

I’m doing the work of three men.

ART

Yeah, The Three Stooges. Moe, Larry and Curly.

Paul picks up his guitar and hits Art over the head.

ART

Ouch! Who the hell are you?

PAUL

Moe.

TOMMY

Take it easy, Paul. We all have the power to change at least one thing a day. Make it your underwear. Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel. See ya tomorrow.

Minnesota Nice
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.