[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Obama Schedules ‘Haters’ Beer Summit

Newly re-elected Obama ever-optimistic, reaching out

President Obama has asked the White House kitchen staff to order up a couple cases of Texas’ best Shiner Bock and to “make some of those delicious wiener puffs and cheez whiz thingies” for a special beer summit he is planning within the next two weeks.

Did someone say free beer?

“I know my re-election for some, especially folks who live in the redder states, is a tough pill to swallow, so I’m inviting them here for a beer summit to see if we can find some common ground,” said the ever-optimistic Commander-in-Chief.

Obama admits the first beer summit (between a black Harvard professor and the white police officer who arrested him) wasn’t exactly a success as neither party showed signs of changing their stands and accepting any apologies, but he is sure of one thing.

“Beer is the universal language of men,” said the President. “Give a guy a free beer and he has to do two things…(1) he has to drink it, and (2) he has to at least acknowledge the guy who bought it for him. Those are the rules of buying a round.”

“Not so fast” said Texas governor Rick Perry upon learning of the beer summit.

“Oh, he may get us to the White House on the promise of free beer, but I guarantee he ain’t gonna like what we have to say once we get a few rounds in us.”

Perry was likely referring to his upcoming agenda to ignore certain mandates of Obamacare as well as lead other states in their threat to secede from the union. It appeared that Perry and others may accept the invitation to the Haters Beer Summit simply to “cop a buzz from the President, and that’s about it” as Florida Governor Rick Scott put it.

This didn’t seem to deter Obama one bit, however.

“Not a problem,” said the confident President.

“If the Haters Beer Summit takes a nasty turn for the worse,” he said, “we’ve already come up with a Plan B. We’ll just spin it as a Good-Bye/Good Luck Party for all those who wish to secede because honestly, it’s the best idea they’ve had all year.”

P. Beckert