[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

NRA Head Wayne LaPierre Fits Profile Of ‘Lone Gunman,’ FBI Finds

Wayne LaPierre, notorious leader of the gun cult religion known as the NRA, is under investigation by the FBI as fitting the profile of the notorious ‘lone gunman’ so prevalent in modern American literature and films. His stoney faced demeanor, extreme viewpoints, non-compromising attitude, arsenal of guns and misanthropic disposition fit exactly into the model picture that has evolved in criminology science as being ‘the lone gunman‘ persona.

wayne lapierre“We are worried in that Mr. LaPierre fits to a ‘T’ the textbook characterization of the ‘lone gunman’ that has caused a lot of the violent mayhem and mass shootings of the last twenty years.” stated Howler Fitz of the serial killer unit of the FBI Investigations branch. “Wayne LaPierre has the look, the arrogance and the armament to be the exact sort of person that we have been bracing ourselves against. He is the Darth Vader of Star Wars, the Lee Harvey Oswald of JFK, the Great White Whale of Moby Dick, the Elmer Fudd of Bugs Bunny. He is the one we need to be watching.”

Investigators studying Mr. LaPierre are alarmed by attitudes and activities that seem consistent with mass murders. These include his seeming callousness towards victims of mass shootings and their families, his abrasiveness with those who don’t agree with his beliefs, his desire to be superior to those around him by having more firepower, a non-human disregard for the lives of others, and a deep seated need to be surrounded by an organization that will offer him a cocoon against a world that he feels wants to devour him.

“He is somewhat that we are definitely going to have to keep our eye on.” stated local State Trooper chief John Ballbreaker. “LaPierre is a loner, angry, bitter at a world that doesn’t understand him. His only love in life are pieces of metal and wood constructed in ways to make them machines that can kill anyone who he doesn’t like. Now people want to take those constructed pieces of wood and metal away from him. It makes for an explosive mixture.”

“What he has is a pathological tendency that we find often in small children when they want to build a castle around them to protect them from a world they don’t understand. It is just unusual finding it in a 50 year old man.”