[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Ron Paul Offers Shocking Proposal to Limit Illegal Immigration

New illegal immigration proposal is a hot topic

During the 2012 fiscal year the federal government spent more on immigration enforcement—18 billion—than on every other federal enforcement agency combined. We’ve build endless fences, surveillance towers, and added significantly to the number of border agents.

Ron Paul, Illegal Immigration
Ron Paul: Illegal immigration proposal “not as harsh as it sounds.”

Yet to some, this is not enough. These “immigration-restriction activists” (for they don’t like to be called ‘hardliners,’ or ‘foolish-bigots’) are now proposing new extreme measures to keep illegal immigrants from sneaking across the U.S.-Mexico border.

These measures include building an underground electric fence that would zap intruders, encouraging snipers to use illegals as target practice, building a replica of the Great Wall of China, and — perhaps most extreme of all — building a giant canal and filling it with fiery corn oil.

This last proposal, from Ron Paul, founder of the Tea Party, “is not as harsh as it sounds,” Paul said. “Sure a few Mexicans will fry. But that’s a small price to pay for our national dignity.” He then kicked his illegal immigrant gardener and shouted “chop-chop.”

While Paul obtained a great deal of flak for his statements, and eventually recanted, other prominent tea party members have emerged with similar proposals. “Why not get the C.D.C. to spread Ebola in Mexico?” asked Rush Limbaugh. “It’s more humane than working illegal immigrants until they drop dead from exhaustion.”

Howard Dean, former chairman off the DNC and part-time panicked screamer, feels Republicans are living in fantasia. “It’s like they think all illegals are sombrero-wearing varmints” he said. “It’s an idea which, for the most part, is just not true.” He also went on to suggest that many Republicans have “serious anger-management issues.” He claims he once suffered from similar issues, but learned to control them “through pranayamic breathing and a medical marijuana card.”

While paying to build a canal and filling it with boiling corn oil would invariably cost tax payers dearly, thirty-six percent of the racists in America approved of the concept. “I don’t care about stopping illegal immigration,” said one reality TV show producer, “but I’m currently working on a commercial for Crisco Corn Oil that could use the gravitas of a few dozen illegals frying like tempura.”

Kevin Santiago, a student at Arizona State, felt similarly. “Being fried in corn oil is so punk rock, man,” he said, as he headed towards a foam party. “Move over GG Allin!” Interestingly enough Mr. Santiago feels excited by the prospect of a corn oil genocide despite the fact that he and his parents are illegal immigrants themselves.

Matt Nagin
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