[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Non-Partisan Partisan Groups Terrorizing Democrats and Republicans Alike

Tired of partisan bickering, non-partisan partisans have a strategy

Sick of the constant bickering between the two major political parties in America and the endless difficulties if makes for the common man, small groups of non-partisan partisan groups have taken to hiding in the woods and in the cellars and sewers of towns and cities.

Rejected and hounded by members of the two elite political groups, the non-partisans have elected to seek their freedom somewhere away from the commotion and hatreds of the two rivals.

Non-Partisan guy fawkes
Guy Fawkes, the original non-partisan partisan.

In a society that demands everyone be one of two types of political entity — either red or blue, liberal or conservative, Democrat or Republican, left or right — a person will be ridiculed, rejected, pilloried and tormented until he conforms to the norm. Many have decided that life has larger dimensions than just the political and that neither of the two groups satisfied them and thereby sought other alternatives for their lives.

Like Robin Hood and his Merry Men, they have taken to the forests, or like the Yugoslav and Polish Resistance in World War II, they have hidden themselves in the underground to support their beliefs.

From their secluded hiding places, they have been harassing the entrenched politicos by all means possible.

Drive-by tomato throwing, tree toilet papering, hanging chad clipping, campaign sign graffitiing, hanging political figures in effigy and writing rude statements on toilet walls have all been tactics used by the non-partisans to disturb the powers that dominate.

They non-conform by writing in third parties both real and imagined on ballots. They campaign for issues the Dems and Reps are afraid to touch like being able to bash cars whose alarms go off in public, being able to hang around ATM’s to pick up girls who use them and urinating freely in trash cans (both men and women).

The biggest damage they do is by introducing new ideas that neither side has thought of before and by weakening the other groups power base by not joining their leagues.

The non-partisans have been known to kidnap liberals and conservatives and try to influence them with the opposite parties beliefs, ie. teaching Democrats about basic Republican beliefs and vice-versa.

In both cases this has failed, as the kidnapped person only gets a blank look on their face and their brain locks up from the toxic shock of having a different point of view injected into their head. Tea Partyers, communists and gun nuts commonly have epileptic-like seizures from it.

Democrats and Republicans are staying indoors out of sheer horror of the non-partisans. They never know where or how the they will strike again. The Tea Partyers are buying more guns, blockading their doors and then sending their kids out to see if the coast is clear or to pick up the morning paper.

Roger Freed