[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Texans Celebrate Victory Over the Union & Obama’s “Jade Helm” Attack

Gov. Greg Abbott and Texas celebrate their first victory over the Union since the Civil War: Obama’s “Jade Helm 15” blitzkrieg has been thwarted.

Wacko, TX — Church bells rang throughout Texas today and people danced in the streets celebrating the state’s first military victory over the US Government since the Civil War, as they defeated Obama’s evil “Jade Helm 15” attack.

“We done seen ’em damn Yankees off this time!” exulted newly elected Gov. Greg Abbott from his command headquarters, in an undisclosed desert location somewhere near the previously unlisted bunker-town of Wacko, TX.

Jade Helm, First Texas Victory since Civil War
The Jade Helm 15 Campaign of 2015.

Waving messages of congratulation and support from Sen. Ted Cruz and other Tea Party inebriates, Abbott continued: “Obama was preparing to invade us but I put the Texas State Guard on alert to protect our guns, women and children. They seen ’em off pretty damn quick!”

The governor paused to drape himself defiantly in not one but two Confederate flags and several Remember the Alamo! stickers.

Abbot went on to note that under the guise of conducting the “Jade Helm 15” military exercises, Obama and his “thugger friends” had been planning a lightning “Hitler-style blitzkrieg” attack followed by the declaration of martial law throughout the state.

Forcibly disarmed inebriates would be imprisoned in the five Wal-Marts recently closed for so-called renovation, and compelled to become Muslims. Their women and children would be sold off to Boko Haram, and the men dressed in orange jump suits and beheaded on national TV.

The objectives included the annexation of Texas by the United States and the proclamation of Sharia Law.

Abbott said however that Jesus had given the Lone Star state its first military victory since the 1860s. In the aftermath, Texas would be rededicating itself to God, the Holy Constitution and the return of its gold from wherever the Federal government had concealed it.

“We believe in the Three G’s,” the governor said. “Guns, Gold and Geesus, not necessarily in that order.”

Abbott warned that from now on any protests by “the thuggers and their thugger-loving liberal friends” would be confronted by freedom-loving armed vigilante groups, the police and the National Guard.

“Just like in Dallas,” said Abbott, referring to last May’s “Solidarity With Baltimore” demonstration. Silenced and intimidated by Texans Against Gun Grabbers (TAGG), a paramilitary organization wearing fatigues and armed with AR-15s, frightened demonstrators were quickly driven off the streets.

“Sorry, but our armed citizens were only there to ensure the demonstration did not turn into another Baltimore,” Abbott explained, quoting TAGG’s organizers.

“Nor will the rest of Texas,” he continued. “We’re well on the way to seceding again, and this time, No More Mister Nice Guy! Till then your thugger friends better keep their seat belts fastened and make sure they signal when they change lanes.

“And no damn integrated pool parties.”

Michael Egan