Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Glenn Beck calls Sarah Palin a ‘Clown’
Clowns everywhere protest.
A jellyfish isn’t an actual fish
In the same way a ‘Dancing with the Stars’ contestant isn’t an actual star.
Mike Huckabee: Dred Scott is ‘to this day the law of the land’
Clearly, in college he made the Paula Deen’s list.
‘Eye of the Tiger’ was played at the Kim Davis rally
Mostly, because they couldn’t get the rights to ‘Crazy.’
Roscoe’s Chicken & Waffles to pay over $1 Million in racial discrimination suit
And, all this time, I thought they were an equal opportunity artery clogger.
‘I’ve never felt more isolated’: The man who sold ‘Minecraft’ to Microsoft for $2.5 billion reveals the empty side of success
Try adopting… Me.
Hillary Clinton is retooling her campaign to fix a major problem
No word on who they’ll replace her with.
Happy birthdays to Bernie Sanders and Wiz Khalifa
For those confused, one’s name is Wiz, the other gets up at 5 AM to wiz.
Chandra Bahadur Dangi: World’s Shortest Man Dies At Age 75
His one regret in life was not being able to ride the roller coasters at Six Flags…
Huckabee: I’m willing to go to jail in Kim Davis’ place
Be careful, Ben Carson says you could leave prison a gay.
Former Trump University students are exposing the school as a massive scam
You’d think they’d have learned how to file for bankruptcy.
Sarah Palin wants to be Secretary of Energy
Which is weird because she runs out of energy and quits half through most things…
Marijuana does not affect brain volume, study finds
That said, users do seem to like more volume on their music.
United CEO resigns over corruption charges and walks away with $21M, free flights for life
However, United will make it back charging him overhead baggage fees.