Presidential candidates used their summer vacations to improve themselves – here’s how.
Time to yodel a big old welcome back to the same old grind from our too brief summer respite. And yes, that does include the umpteen-gazillion presidential candidates returning from their home districts with batteries and bank accounts recharged. With an emphasis on the moolah.
Since the hot air dirigible that is Donald Trump is sucking all the oxygen out of the room like a warehouse full of vacuum cleaners the size of the Idaho, we here at Durstco figured folks might be interested in how the other White House wannabees spent their summer vacations.
So our board of directors authorized the commission of a series of hard-hitting, fact-finding, investigative reports utilizing every tool at the modern journalist’s disposal: Facebook, Tinder, straight up rumors, things overheard in line at the grocery store, bribes, threats, dirty laundry, stories reported by others with enough changes to slip past those pesky algorithms, just making stuff up. You know — the usual.
After gathering voluminous amounts of data, we sifted through the informational detritus to track down the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, with just a little room left over for stuff that we wanted to be true and are proud to reveal the results in this segment called How They Spent Their Summer Vacations.
- Chris Christie held a seminar on “How to Survive a Scandal” for which United CEO, Jeff Smisek, paid a lot of money not to attend.
- John Kasich checked into a Swiss spa for a charisma implant, which alas, didn’t take.
- In an attempt to trump Trump, Scott Walker called for a wall to be built on the Canadian border as well as the Mexican, and also wants a force field erected around the state of Wisconsin designed to repulse outside union agitators.
- Marco Rubio held a series of mock debates on immigration with himself and actually came close to winning a few.
- Gearing up for the big fall push, George Pataki, Rick Santorum, Jim Webb, Lincoln Chafee, Jim Gilmore, Lindsey Graham, Rand Paul and Bobby Jindal all took three month naps.
- Hillary Clinton scrubbed several email servers on her back porch then used them to prop up various lawn umbrellas.
- Hillary’s staff broke 18 federal laws hacking into Ashley Madison’s client list to keep from revealing Bill Clinton’s platinum member status.
- Ben Carson spent his time being seen reading the Bible.
- The corpse of Ronald Reagan spun in his grave so rapidly, if hooked up to a generator, he could power the entirety of Simi Valley.
- Rick Perry went off his meds and no one noticed.
- Joe Biden walked many beautiful beaches wearing nothing but shorts, a t-shirt and flip-flops.
- Carly Fiorina binge-watched the entire first season of Madame Secretary.
- Ted Cruz developed 34 more scenarios to repeal Obama Care.
- Jeb Bush desperately probed different genealogy websites in a futile attempt to prove he was adopted.
- Martin O’Malley looked coy.
- Mike Huckabee embarked upon a “Hug a Christian Hypocrite Tour,” starting with a child molester and moving on to a bigot.
- Responding to accusations of being an old crank with the sense of humor of an end table, Bernie Sanders changed his campaign website address to heyyoukidsgetoffofmylawn.com.