Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Trump won’t rule out independent run for president
Proving he took his loyalty oath to the Republican Party as seriously as his marriage vows.
Sean Connery’s wife ordered to stand trial in Spain fraud case
Wondering if she was able to post bond. Bail bond.
T-Mobile CEO says BlackBerry ‘on a comeback’
Guessing they made announcement on the their MySpace page.
Limbaugh: Ben Carson is ‘probably not’ equipped for presidency
Fair enough, given Limbaugh isn’t equipped to need a brain surgeon.
Sharyl Attkisson: Obama will not read intelligence on U.S.-recognized terrorist groups
That explains why no one has shut down ‘Nickleback.’
Elizabeth Hassleback is leaving ‘Fox and Friends’
For a more appropriate show, ‘A Fox with No Friends.’
APP diagnoses STDs
I guess it’s true, there is a CLAPP for that.
Alaskan Bush People: Father and Son from Reality TV series plead guilty to fraud and theft
Makes them sound like those Texas Bush people…
Russia reveals scanner that can see through wall
Causing Sarah Palin to shower in a bathing suit.
Alice’s Restaurant: Thanksgiving 2015 marks 50 years since event that inspired Arlo Guthrie’s song
And, the length of the actual song…
White House on lockdown after fence-jumper caught: reports
Although, he did get closer to the Oval Office than Mitt Romney ever will.
Putin orders sanctions against Turkey
No word if he also issues threat against stuffing, casseroles and cranberry sauce.
Jeb Bush accuses Obama of getting US in Mid East quagmires
Up next, Dick Cheney accuses friend’s face of getting in way shotgun pellets.
Obama compares Syrian refugees to the Pilgrims
Which is weird, because the Native Americans probably shouldn’t have let the Pilgrims in.