Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
It’s official. Dylan, McCartney, The Rolling Stones, The Who to do mega concert
They better be careful, or, it’ll be known as Woodstroke.
Carly Fiorina falls off stage at Ted Cruz’s Indiana event
Word is, she fell faster than HP’s stock when she was CEO.
Malia Obama to take gap year before entering Harvard in 2017
Congrats, Malia, on getting into Harvard. I’m assuming the ‘Gap’ year isn’t about working retail.
Ted Cruz drop out of race for President
Yup, stick his own pitchfork in him; he’s done.
Kasich calls it quits
Looks like Kasich dropped out of race for President to be Ted Cruz’s Secretary of State.
Scientists have discovered new Earth-like planets only an 800-year trip away
So, to get there, you take the 101 to the 405.
Happy Cinco De Mayo
Which is Spanish for St. Patrick’s Day…
Trump wipes away Hillary’s troubles with Millennials: New poll shows Clinton sweeping young voters
While Trump threatens to date them.
Climate Change report: Miami Beach may be completely flooded
On the upside, the shrimp will be a little fresher at those ‘Early Bird’ buffets.
People with private health insurance use it 22% more than people with work provided insurance
Proving again people at job jobs don’t care if they live or die.
Amy Schumer bans fan selfies after clash with overzealous man
C’mon, Schumer, let’s face it, at this point, your life is a selfie.
The real reason Ted Cruz And John Kasich dropped out
Love… exciting and new…
New phone that turns into an actual gun
Look for a remake of that Clint Eastwood movie, this time to be called Dirty Siri.
Kelly Ripa still wears her 25-year-old wedding dress
Then she wonders why people at the beach point.