Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

It’s official. Dylan, McCartney, The Rolling Stones, The Who to do mega concert

They better be careful, or, it’ll be known as Woodstroke.

Carly Fiorina falls off stage at Ted Cruz’s Indiana event

Word is, she fell faster than HP’s stock when she was CEO.

Malia Obama to take gap year before entering Harvard in 2017

Congrats, Malia, on getting into Harvard. I’m assuming the ‘Gap’ year isn’t about working retail.

Ted Cruz drop out of race for President

Yup, stick his own pitchfork in him; he’s done.

Kasich calls it quits

Looks like Kasich dropped out of race for President to be Ted Cruz’s Secretary of State.

Scientists have discovered new Earth-like planets only an 800-year trip away

So, to get there, you take the 101 to the 405.

Happy Cinco De Mayo

Which is Spanish for St. Patrick’s Day…

Trump wipes away Hillary’s troubles with Millennials: New poll shows Clinton sweeping young voters

While Trump threatens to date them.

Climate Change report: Miami Beach may be completely flooded

On the upside, the shrimp will be a little fresher at those ‘Early Bird’ buffets.

People with private health insurance use it 22% more than people with work provided insurance

Proving again people at job jobs don’t care if they live or die.

Amy Schumer bans fan selfies after clash with overzealous man

C’mon, Schumer, let’s face it, at this point, your life is a selfie.

The real reason Ted Cruz And John Kasich dropped out

Love… exciting and new…

New phone that turns into an actual gun

Look for a remake of that Clint Eastwood movie, this time to be called Dirty Siri.

Kelly Ripa still wears her 25-year-old wedding dress

Then she wonders why people at the beach point.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)