[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

‘Super Bacteria’ to Enter Rio Olympics: Could ‘Eliminate the Competition’

Analysts say that the population of super bacteria is so strong in the area, they could be the “last organisms standing,” taking the Gold in all watersport events.

A drug-resistant strain of “super bacteria” that is prevalent off beaches in Rio de Janeiro is so “super,” it may compete in the Olympics there this summer, and sports analysts here warn it could well “eliminate the competition.”

Super bacteria
Super bacterium being interviewed via Google InterSpecies™ technology.

Scientists say that these “super bacteria,” which infect waterways to be used in swimming, rowing and canoeing competitions, can cause hard-to-treat urinary, gastrointestinal, pulmonary and bloodstream infections, along with meningitis, and may even result in death.

The surprise addition of the super bacteria to the Games might not have even been discovered, if not for one particular bacterium, which was interviewed recently via Google InterSpecies™ — a cutting edge, newly trademarked way of connecting and communicating with other species.

“Even with this new technology,” said one Google programmer, “it helps that they are ‘Super’ bacteria, which have actually evolved their own innate communication skills.”

The bacterium interviewed said its name was “Sammy Germaine,” and announced plans to enter swimming and rowing competitions. This, despite the fact that it had not competed in any qualifying events to get into the Olympics, as is required by the Olympic Charter.

“I’d like to see ’em try to stop me,” said Germaine. “I’m microscopic, and deceptively fast — they’ll never even see me. But don’t let my tiny size fool you, I have ‘super’ powers!”

“Besides, they put out a big, fat invite to our kind with their lovely sewage-infested waterways,” he continued. “Heck, they even provided a huge tasty buffet for us, with tons of waste from countless hospitals and hundreds of thousands of households — allowing us super bacteria to ‘spread like the plague’ — pardon the expression!”

“And there are millions like me that plan to compete as well. We like our chances of taking at least one Gold,” he added. “I have a dream, to be standing up there on the podium, under the microscope, introduced to the crowd, ‘Ladies and germs, the winner…’ Ah, it warms my cytoplasm just to think of it!”

Asked about the ethics of infecting innocent athletes, making them too sick to compete and possibly even killing them, Germaine said, “How else are we supposed to win? You can’t take away our only competitive advantages, that would be unsportsmanlike. As you sports reporters like to say, we need to ‘crush’ our opponents, ‘anniahilate’ them, ‘eliminate’ them, etc, etc. You get the idea.”

“After all, it’s the ‘last organism standing,’ to paraphrase another of your lovely sports cliches,” he added.

James Israel
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