Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Hillary considering Al Franken for VP
Well, he’s good enough, he’s smart enough, and doggone it, people like him.
Trump kids set to play central role on stage at Republican Convention
Proving when it comes to finding speakers ‘where there’s a will there’s a way.’
Mika’s hush-hush divorce fuels rumors of Scarborough romance
Looks like somebody knows how to heat up her ‘Morning Joe.’
Chipotle CMO making $4.3 million a year is indicted in huge NYC cocaine bust
It explains why those burritos are so damn addicting.
Antikythera Mechanism: Ancient Greek tool may be world’s oldest mechanical computer, researchers say
They also believe it was run with Microsoft’s operating system, after all, the screen’s been frozen for 2K+ years.
Clarence Thomas thinking of retiring
It’s always weird when someone who gets to wear a robe to work wants to retire.
‘Tour De France’ ready to roll
Watching the ‘Tour De France,’ it’s hard to tell which cyclists are on performance enhancing drugs and which ones are in the control group.
Man dies while posing for a photo at Machu Picchu
The cause of death was listed as he selfie destructed.
Benghazi committee issues 800-page report
I can’t wait for the musical version ‘A Complete Waste of Hamiltons.’
Clinton White House den of coke, mistresses: ex-Secret Service agent
If this doesn’t get people to join Secret Service, nothing will.
Christie asked if troubles in NJ will be a problem if he’s Trump’s VP pick
Christie: ‘Nah, I’ll block that bridge when I get to it.’
Huge Helium gas field found in Africa is a ‘game changer’
Seems it was discovered when someone noticed all the locals had high-pitched cartoon voices.
Woman crowned ‘Miss Hitler 2016’ at disturbing neo-Nazi pageant
Next year they should hold the event at Nuremberg.
Loretta Lynch: US AG, Bill Clinton meet privately at Phoenix airport
Bill said afterward ‘I didn’t have conversations with that woman…’