Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Hillary Clinton becomes first woman from a major party nominated for president
That makes two major firsts this year: The first woman to lead a major ticket going against the first orange person to do so.
Comic Con features speed dating booth
That way people who never get laid can find out who they won’t be having sex with even quicker.
As Democrats’ convention nears, hacked DNC emails posted online
Hillary must be really pissed at whoever invented email. That’s right I’m talking to you, Al Gore.
George Will: Trump is hiding bribes from Russian oligarchs in his tax returns
Trump’s response was ‘Nyet… Oh crap, I meant no.’
Paul Simon performed “Bridge Over Troubled Waters” at Democratic National Convention.
Some at convention said, ‘I didn’t know Bernie could sing that well.’
Dr. Dre reportedly handcuffed in front of his Malibu home after road rage dispute
Looks like someone didn’t forget about Dre.
President Obama brings down the house with DNC speech
Nice job by the President. Although it would have been a fun time to go, ‘And, I really was born in Kenya…’
Trump Jr. says Obama plagiarized his quote, turns out not before he borrowed it from Obama
If it weren’t for the Obamas the Trumps would be mimes.
Nintendo stock tanks as Pokemon Go investors realize company doesn’t own game
Bringing new meaning to ‘don’t hate the player, hate the game’
Donald Trump strikes back at “Little” Michael Bloomberg
It’s like he’s nickname cheating on Little Marco Rubio.
‘Heat dome’ over United States shows no signs of lifting soon
It’s so hot people are hanging around Debbie Wasserman Schultz to take advantage of the icy stares.
TV Psychic Miss Cleo dead at 53
Calling her will now cost double.
Bill Clinton hits campaign trail after DNC in Philadelphia
Which means, the crack in the Liberty Bell is no longer nervous.
Donald Trump says after DNC ‘now he’s taking the gloves off’
Really nothing to be afraid of, they’re little tiny gloves.