Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
The Cubs are going to the World Series for the first time since 1945
And, in related news, check out the above pic…
Ivanka Trump: I’m not planning to join dad’s administration
The way things are going, neither is Mike Pence.
Madonna says she’d give Hillary voters oral sex
Makes sense, last time she made that offer it helped Truman defeat Dewey.
The future of Hinduism in America’s changing religious landscape
All one can say is ‘Holy Cow.’
Melania blames Bush for Donald’s behavior
Sometimes they write themselves.
Troopers: Man on LSD saves dog from imaginary fire
LSD that’s the good cholesterol, right? Oh wait…
Ronda Rousey wants to beat the sh*t out of Justin Bieber after what he did to her sister
Yeah, like anyone needs a reason.
Shepard Smith answers question on Roger Ailes by coming out
Up next, Shaq comes out as tall.
Bridgegate Upsdate: Chris Christie digging own grave
So, this could take awhile.
Clinton’s Brooklyn campaign HQ evacuated, suspicious substance discovered in letter
While nothing of substance has ever been found at Trump’s HQ.
Meet the Trumpettes, high society women standing by Trump
But, for obvious reasons not within arms reach.
Scientists accidentally discover efficient process to turn CO2 into ethanol
And, with ice, Jack Daniels on the rocks.
John McCain is right: Senate Republicans could block a Clinton Supreme Court nominee indefinitely
So, while he waits, Barack will have extra time for golf.
Trump’s Mormon problem: ‘That’s not how we roll in Utah’
Trump: ‘Let me tell, you. Not a smart religion. Tabernacle Choir. Overrated.’