Ripping the Headlines Today, 11/14/16

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

headlines today

Trump wins presidency, defeats Clinton in historic election upset

In related news, see above pic…

DiCaprio almost dies in Galapagos, had to be saved by Edward Norton

Jeez, even his near death experiences are cooler than the rest of ours.

Gingrich, Giuliani, and Priebus are reportedly being vetted for top positions in a Trump administration

Expect a Trump Cabinet so white it’ll probably win an Oscar.

Report: Trump’s family and aides took away his Twitter

Bravo to Melania, who has actually kept her promise to stop cyber bullying.

Breast augmentation surgery in free fall, which is bad news for Victoria’s Secret

Ironically, that means sales aren’t the only things sagging.

RIP Leonard Cohen

There’s crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.

Russian fishing boat finds an enormous surprise in their fishing net

Word is, Sarah Palin is doing fine.

The Democratic Party has exploded

But, because it happened on MSNBC, no one actually saw it happen.

‘What the f*ck are you doing?’: NYC woman hilariously shames subway masturbator

Jeez, everyone knows there’s no masturbating on the subway; the subway is for peeing.

Melania Trump meets with Michelle Obama

Word is, she just repeated whatever Michelle said.

KFC is now licensed to sell marijuana in Canada

Avoiding the munchies middleman.

Americans overwhelmingly say ‘Yes’ to marijuana on election day

… and Xanax.

Starbucks’ CEO delivered a powerful post-election message to his employees

Not surprisingly, no one fell asleep during it.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
Paul Lander

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  • I’m going to need both pot and xanax to get me through 4 years of President Pussygrabber.