A new strain of stress disorder is wreaking havoc on Americans.
An epidemic is sweeping the nation, causing sufferers to experience feelings of hopeless doom, certain annihilation and cataclysmic collapse. It’s an existential plague manifesting itself by enveloping the stricken in a black cloud of despairing suicidal thoughts. The malady that is striking down innocent citizens left and lefter is… the Presidency of Donald J. Trump. It is literally making people sick.
Many doctors have taken note of this disturbing trend and some are calling it PTSD2 — President Trump Stress Disorder. Definitely not to be confused with the much more serious Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. That is a condition afflicting those that have survived a past dire and/or life-threatening experience. Not a single thing funny there. Don’t even look. Nope. Not close to humorous. Keep moving. Nothing to see.
Rather, PTSD2 is a condition that afflicts people from mostly urban areas or anyplace with a museum or library, who are worrying about a future they may or may not survive. Many safe bubbles were shaken and popped by last year’s election and the soapy fallout is being felt on psychiatric couches from here to Vienna. And you can bet nobody at any of the Big Pharmaceuticals is complaining either.
Victims of PTSD2 find themselves alternately shocked and alarmed and surprised and angry and scared and anxious and confused and amused and amazed and nervous and depressed and worried and tho close to eye-gouging panic. Both their own eyes and other peoples’ eyes.
An equal almost opposite reaction is affecting an entirely different group of Americans, and that is unbridled joy and spontaneous dancing and the drinking of many frosty adult beverage toasts. Mostly Bud Light. Surprisingly, both these phenomena are being alternately heightened and exacerbated through copious self-administered treatments of medicinal cannabis.
In order to determine whether you are suffering from the debilitating effects of this harrowing disease known as PTSD2, please consult the following.
Top symptoms of President Trump Stress Disorder:
- Inability to sleep or sleep disturbed by recurring nightmares. Most involve a second or even third term.
- Flashbacks to a simpler time when Trump was a goofy reality TV star.
- When using any word that rhymes with Trump you become sick to your stomach.
- Find yourself saying to no one in particular “Imagine if Obama had done that?”
- Steadfast refusal to watch the news. Too much like enabling him.
- For no apparent reason you will start screaming at your cat. Or Alex Trebek.
- If and when somebody mentions Obama Care you start weeping and/or pulling hair from your head.
- Constantly replay your movements on November 8, 2016, wondering what you could have done to change the course of events.
- Inability to recall anything that happened during Donald J. Trump transition period.
- Emotionally numb to the point of not caring about fluffy bunnies or baby ducklings.
- Intense feelings of guilt for just not liking Hillary enough.
- Laugh hysterically at Garfield cartoons.
- Lately the term “moderation” means no tequila shooters before noon.
- Hearing his name makes you put your hands over your ears and go “la-la-la-la-la.”
- Find yourself saying to no one in particular “Imagine if Hillary had said that?”
- Confronted with difficult choices you respond, “Aaah, the hell with it. What difference does it make?”