Ripping the Headlines Today - by Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

John Boehner: Trump’s term has been a ‘disaster’

I think this counts as a prime example of orange on orange crime.

Girl snatched by sea lion being treated for ‘Seal Finger’

Don’t worry. Heidi Klum made a complete recovery.

Sean Hannity goes on vacation as advertisers drop out of his show

Guessing he used same travel agent as O’Reilly.

Kim and Kanye are celebrating their 3rd wedding anniversary

In Kardashian years, that’s like a 60th anniversary.

Trump pushed the Prime Minister of Montenegro

No real surprise, he seems to have a problem with any place that has Negroes in it…

Daniel Craig, Pierce Brosnan, Sean Connery pay tribute to ‘Magnificent Bond’ Roger Moore

My God, that’s a lot of male ‘Bonding…’

British Airways apologizes for delays “following IT outage”

No word if United has offered to help by dragging customers onto its flights.

Trump reportedly called Germans ‘very bad,’ vowed to stop German car sales in the U.S

BMW replies saying BMW stands for Bite My Weenie.

Graduates walk out on Pence at Notre Dame commencement

Maybe they were just auditioning for Hamilton.

Billy Ray Cyrus on 25 ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ years

At his age it really should be ‘Achy Breaky Knees.’

Pope Francis jokingly asks First Lady what she feeds Trump

Melania: Saltpeter.

Happy 79th Birthday, Tommy Chong

A man who is old enough to have told Bogart not to Bogart that joint.

Tony Romo CBS debut to be at golf tourney

When he tosses it to commercial, look for the commercial to be picked off and run back for a TD.

Melania Trump swats Donald away when he tries to hold her hand

Amazing. She was able to hit his tiny little hand on the first swat.

Prince Harry hosts Obama at Kensington Palace

Or, as the movie will be called ‘When Harry Met Barry.’

Putin won’t say if he’ll run for reelection in 2018 Russian elections

Or, just concentrate on running the U.S.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)