Ripping the Headlines Today, 8/28/17

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

headlines today

Bear breaks into Colorado house, plays the piano but not very well

Hey, it’s not his fault someone requested he play ‘Despacito.’

University of Texas removes four Confederate statues from campus overnight

It seems the only monument to the Confederacy not being removed from public property is Jeff Sessions.

Mystery surrounds sonic attack that injuries up to 10 US officials in Cuba

On the upside, everyone’s teeth were extra clean.

Mayor of Phoenix: Trump not welcome here

Marking the first time Phoenix hasn’t welcomed a senior citizen.

Largest Powerball Jackpot won by single ticket

Or, as I now call the winner, ‘Mom.’

Senators try to force Trump admin to declare Wikileaks a ‘hostile’ spy service

They didn’t actually tell him, they sent an email to Podesta.

Fox Sports hires Michael Vick as NFL studio analyst

Way better than the Animal Planet…

Russian Ambassador to Sudan found dead in swimming pool

So, he died ‘Sudanly…’

Miley Cyrus victim of new nude photo hack

Wouldn’t it be news if she were wearing clothes?

How to tell if you damaged your eyes by looking at the solar eclipse without glasses

If you’re reading this, you’re probably ok.

USS McCain crash is 4th Navy accident in Pacific this year

Who the hell’s in charge Admiral Gilligan?

House Speaker Paul Ryan criticizes President Trump’s presidential pardon for former Sheriff Arpaio

In no uncertain whispers.

Taylor Swift’s new teaser features an actual snake

Guessing she felt it was too expensive to actually get Katie Perry.

Trump ‘might refuse to leave the WH when his term ends,’ expert warns

Which means it will be one of the few days he was actually there.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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