Ripping the Headlines Today, 9/11/17

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Headlines today, Anderson Cooper, Kathy Griffin

Kathy Griffin admits her friendship with Anderson Cooper is over

Not so fast. Someone send in Jared Kushner.

Massive hurricanes in Southern U.S, fire in Western U.S, earthquake in Mexico

The over/under in Vegas on the arrival of Locusts is 12 days.

People can now read the note Obama left for Trump

Obama’s P.S. should have read: ‘Oh yeah. The Kenya thing… True.’

Rush Limbaugh suggests Hurricane Irma is a liberal hoax

Which is why Rush needs to be considered the 800-pound irrelevant in the room.

Trump called Ivanka ‘honey’ and ‘baby’ at tax summit in North Dakota

Hard to tell who should be more jealous — Melania or Putin?

Slone Stephens defeats Madison Keys to win 2017 U.S. Open

Although, it’s pretty clear Bernie would have won.

Happy 55th birthday, Chris Christie

In his honor New Jersey will now be known as the Olive Garden State.

Meet Uber’s Choice for CEO: Dara Khosrowshahi

If a car doesn’t get there by the time you pronounce his name correctly, the ride is free.

Trump: U.S building future with American hands, American labor, American iron, aluminum, steel

Although wives still made in Eastern Europe.

Oklahoma police chief outed as owner of racist website and white supremacist record label

WTF is the label’s name? KKKTel Records?

Nearly a dozen sharks found swimming in New York home’s basement

Who the hell lives there? A Bond villain?

Boston Red Sox caught using Apple Watches to steal signs

While NY Mets pitchers use Apple Maps to try and find home plate.

Hurricane Irma: Anheuser-Busch sends more than 300K cans of water to Florida

Or, as it’s also known Bud Light.

‘Chuck E Cheese and The Pizza Time Players’ break up

No word if this was caused by regular customer, Yoko Ono.

Harvey and Irma, married 75 years, marvel at the storms bearing their names

Bannon: Told ya the Jews were behind those storms…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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