[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

First Lady Announces New ‘Trophy Wives’ Support Group

Support group to be First Lady Melania Trump’s national inspiration for wives of millionaires and billionaires.

Melania Trump has finally come up with a First Lady project for which she is eminently qualified. She is planning to start support groups nationwide for trophy wives married to older men.

First Lady Melania & First Daughter Ivanka
First Lady Melania and First Daughter Ivanka. Image by outtacontext, flickr.com.

In order to not waste the taxpayers’ money, there will be strict criteria for membership in the support groups. First and foremost, the woman must be rated a 9 or 10 by a panel of aging models, including Heidi Klum and Christie Brinkley. Second, their husbands must be at least 20 years older than they are. Lastly, the husband must have an minimum income of $10 million.

Melania explained, “At first it was only going to be for the wives of billionaires, but then I realized that we should also include the less fortunate.”

The support groups will be based on the lessons contained in the counseling guide written by Melania herself, titled “The Trophy Wife’s Survival Guide,” with the subtitle How to Live with a Disgusting, but Rich, Older Man. Below are a preview of some of the issues dealt with in the book.

1. How to deal with the embarrassment of a bad hairpiece.
2. How to prepare a list of statements ahead of time, such as, “That’s just locker room talk.”
3. How to keep from having to hold hands in public, with a training video of the Melania hand slap.
4. How to smile and present the image of the doting wife in public when you feel nauseated.
5. How to insure your income despite the pre-nup: the have at least one child rule.
6. Makeup tricks to reduce the trips to the plastic surgeon; exception: the ten year boob replacement and butt lift rule.
7. The importance of making sure your husband has a Twitter account.

When queried about the function of the Twitter account, she provided details on its two most important uses and how to insure its value.

“You must make sure that his Twitter account is filled with followers who will tell him he is always right and wonderful no matter how stupid or outrageous his tweets, “ she began.

“How do you do that?” asked the reporter.

“That’s simple. You start with all those whose jobs depend on agreeing with him, then those who would like to be hired or have him buy their products—you know, the usual ‘kiss *** for a buck’ types. Then you hire a few actors to send tweets every now and then that get him angry and busy with a Twitter war.”

“Why would you do that?” asked the puzzled reporter.

“That’s part of lesson number 8, How to avoid sex. You have a text ready to send to your ‘Twitter warriors’ and soon he’s forgotten all about you. An alternate way is to make sure you pump him with lots of fluids before going to bed so between his prostate and his old bladder, he’ll be in and out of the bathroom all night where he can’t resist the temptation to tweet while he’s waiting for his backed-up bladder to finally work.”

“Aren’t you worried that your husband will see your book and be upset about the contents?” questioned the reporter.

Melania smiled and replied, “Why should I worry? Donald never reads anything.”

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Diane de Anda

Diane de Anda

Diane de Anda is a third generation Latina and retired UCLA professor. Tired of cranking out technical articles in a "publish or perish" atmosphere, she now spends most of her time writing adult fiction, children's books, parody, and satire. Her weapon of choice is the limerick, aimed with humor and a touch of malice at society's icons, celebrities, politicians, and other irritating folk.
  • Roger Freed

    Very funny and clever!