[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Political Scientists Discover Giant Void Inside Trump’s Head

In a surprise find, analogous to the one recently in an Egyptian pyramid, a team of researchers has detected a mysterious giant void inside President Donald Trump’s head.

giant void, Trump's headAn anomalous space in Donald Trump’s head, now known as the “President’s Giant Void,” has shown up on imagery produced in a scientific study. The scientists were able to track concentrations of subatomic particles called “Morons” as they zoomed in on the president’s hair piece with special equipment.

“We don’t know if the Void is one big structure, or several successive structures,” said Georgio Metropolis, founder of the Scan Trump’s Rug campaign. “What we are sure about is that the Void is there. Given his erratic behavior and public frothing, it was of course expected.”

The find raises far more questions than answers. What purpose does Trump’s Void serve? Is it responsible for his compulsive tweeting, his total stupidity, his moral obtuseness — or all three? Are there any methods that could show more detail about the structure? And is it at all possible to get a closer look?

The 6’2” president was born 70 years ago in NYC. His phony hair was secretly installed “sometime in the 1970s,” as he began to lose both his natural skull-borne fur and his wits. The presidential “rug,” as the construction is called, has been renewed repeatedly over the years by unknown technicians using transplants floated into New York City on barges up the Hudson River and, since January 2017, into DC up the Potomac.

The “Scan Trump’s Rug” campaign represents the latest effort to look into whether more hidden chambers remain to be discovered within the president. Some theorists speculate that he is entirely heartless with only a cash register where a normal human cardiac system is found. Over the past couple of years, research teams have used Moron detectors as well as psychiatric analyses known as Freudons to look for additional anomalies.

“Trump is clearly not entirely human,” Metropolis said. “Indeed, he may well be half-human, half orangutan, as the theologian Bill Maher has suggested. Or he may just be a robotic Ancient Alien sent to take over the planet. The fact that he barely seems to sleep, never drinks, and subsists entirely on hamburgers slathered in ketchup, is both revealing and disturbing.”

Experts don’t know whether the Giant Void and Trump’s cardiac cash register were ever connected, and they can’t say whether the space was purpose-built or merely a moral vacuum left open during his construction process.

Metropolis said continued Moronography and Freudonographics may reveal additional details about the void’s structure. He cautioned that further experiments would have to progress carefully, in a step-by-step fashion.

“It’s important both for public opinion and the fate of humanity to know what is truly inside Trump,” he said.

Michael Egan