Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Astros win World Series in 7 games

Whirlwind of a World Series, although, it looked like the Phillies showed up for Game 7 dressed for Halloween as the Dodgers.

Chris Christie’s wife ticketed in NJ during distracted driving crackdown

Asked if she hired an attorney, he said they’ll shutdown that bridge when they get to it.

Man pulls gun in McDonald’s drive-thru when he can’t get a McMuffin

Damn, imagine what he’d do for Klondike Bar.

Gen. John Kelly said the Civil War happened because of a failure to compromise

So, he’s literally out of his cotton-picking mind.

‘House of Cards’ producers are talking about killing off Kevin Spacey

Or, trading him for a character from “Orange is the New Black.”

Trump blaming Kushner for Mueller’s investigation: Report

Or, as he’ll soon be known, “Low-level, volunteer, barely showed up for family functions Son in Law…”

Anthony Wiener reports to prison

… bringing new meaning to doing hard time.

The white supremacist ‘Daily Stormer’ wants to make Papa John’s the official pizza of the alt-right

Ad line: “It’s great for any Caucasian.”

Rand Paul assaulted in his Bowling Green home

Damn, and just when the city was finally getting over the Bowling Green Massacre.

Andy Dick fired from film over sexual harassment claims

I’m shocked. Andy Dick had a job…

Donna Brazile tells critics to ‘Go to Hell’ as she spills Hillary Clinton, DNC secrets

Looks like Democrats set their clocks back a year and half to re-argue 2016 elections.

Happy 50th Birthday, Vanilla Ice

About now he should be rapping: ‘I need some Ice, Ice, Ice, baby… for my achy knees.’

Best Buy lowers price on the iPhone X

It will now be known as the iPhone IX.V.

Donald Trump Jr. takes away half of daughter’s Halloween candy to ‘teach her about socialism’

Or, she could hire some other kids to do her ‘Trick or Treating,’ take the candy, then only pay them 10 cents on the dollar that she promised.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)