Horoscopes for Jerks: December, 2017

What’s your sign? Check out your and every other jerk’s horoscope right here every month!

What? You don’t even believe in astrology? No matter, it doesn’t believe in you! And you could be wrong. Just in case, here’s your horoscope for the month:

Zodiac_01-Aries Aries: As the leader of your family, you may feel inspired to put Christmas lights on every inch of the exterior of your house and purchase a large blow-up Snowman for your front yard. Reject the inspiration.
Zodiac_02-Taurus Taurus: Your perfectly decorated Christmas tree is very impressive, but it doesn’t hold a candle to all those aesthetically beautiful gifts you bought that were made with the labor of overseas children.
Zodiac_03-Gemini Gemini: When one of the twins in you wants to wear a Santa hat and a jingle bell necklace while parading around Walmart singing pop music versions of Christmas carols, remember that your other twin actually has a soul.
Zodiac_04-Cancer Cancer: Given your crabby demeanor, if you haven’t already bought gifts and made other preparations for the holidays, most of December will probably feel like hell on earth to you.
Zodiac_05-Leo" Leo: It’s quite likely that you would do a great job dressing-up and playing Santa Claus. Just remember that Santa is a creepy old dude with a beer belly and a dirty beard — this isn’t a compliment.
Zodiac_06-Virgo" Virgo: While you’re likely to actually consider the massive, consumerist mind-screw of Christmas, it isn’t probable you will have the guts to do anything about it. Embrace your sardonic side and give everyone fruitcakes.
Zodiac_07-Libra" Libra: The universe is calling you to make sense of and balance the socio-economic inconsistencies of Christmas in America. It would be easier to fit a rich man through the eye of a needle.
Zodiac_08-Scorpio Scorpio: Do something different this holiday season: don’t manipulate others with the gifts you give, and don’t hold the gifts they choose to give you over their heads for the next fifteen years.
Zodiac_09-Sag Sagittarius: : As you’re aiming for the perfect gift, the ideal party, and the true meaning of the holidays, remember that medical marijuana is still illegal in most states, child pornography is still all over the internet, and Donald Trump is president.
Zodiac_10-Cap Capricorn: Have you been a good little goat this year? If you find coal in your stocking, keep in mind that it is a non-renewable resource, and you’re helping to destroy the planet along with millions of other corrupt humans.
Zodiac_11-Aquarius Aquarius: Please, please understand that no matter what Facebook post you see, Santa Claus is not real, and his helper elves do not need to be rescued from the horrible working conditions in his workshop.
Zodiac_12-Pisces Pisces: If for some strange, delusional reason you feel it might be a good idea to purchase Christmas themed lingerie or underwear for yourself or others, realize that nothing about Christmas is sexy.
zodiac, horoscope
Mosaic pavement of a 6th century synagogue at Beth Alpha, Jezreel Valley, northern Israel. It was discovered in 1928. Signs of the zodiac surround the central chariot of the Sun (a Greek motif), while the corners depict the 4 “turning points” (“tekufot”) of the year, solstices and equinoxes, each named for the month in which it occurs. Enjoy this humorous horoscope column!
Jennifer Hollie Bowles
Latest posts by Jennifer Hollie Bowles (see all)