[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Militant X-Box Gamers Denounce Censors as ‘Sad, Pathetic Losers with a Lot of Time on Their Hands’

Microsoft is monitoring X-Box gamers for cursing, and they don’t like it.

X-Box gamersThe recent decision to helicopter X-Box users for cursing while Microsoft merrily trawl their data has resulted in a serious backlash. X-Box gamers are now accusing Microsoft of being idle, unfocused losers who have nothing better to do than mess around on hi-tech gadgets and piss their life away.

Kriss-Rei-G%N4eeVaH! says:

This is literally WORSE than Gamergate. Microsoft thinks it’s is pretty funny and edgy to piss people off like this; what they fail to understand is that sometimes, going out of your way to annoy and offend people isn’t really all that funny. Sometimes, it just makes you a sad, pathetic asshole who fails at life!

SargMyT-B@@@@@Gz says:

See these stupid press conferences trying to justify their malignant deeds? Freedom of speech is not a right to be heard! MUH FREEZE PEACH, LMFFFFFFFFFFFAO! I’ve had enough of their pathetic attempts to justify their worthless lives and lack of any real enterprising spirit. Hey, word to the wise, assholes! Get off the damn tech devices and try and to something usual for a change… Mmmm-hm. Man, these Soul Calibur retro bitches are HOT! Could you tap that shit, Kriss?

No reply from Kriss (I think that’s what his name was).

Think I heard a bit of a grunt though, and a low moaning sound. Maybe the odd bit of unzipping, but I couldn’t say for sure. Let’s err on the side of charity here.

Anyhoo! Anecdotal evidence also suggests that the gaming ‘community’ (such as it is) want to sue the Xbox manufacturers for defamation, as apparently they are sick of the chilling effect the arbitrary crybully behaviour of Microsoft is having on the free market place of ideas.

I’m all for freedom of speech, but not when it’s hateful and offensive, like the pathetic lies and group libels and dehumanising rhetoric people are making about gamers and the Alt-Right!

They assure me.

… Man. Where are the tits on that fighter? Combating Asian girls is like having a ten minute dick fight with an ironing board. We need some Italians, long as they learn to shut the fuck up with their stupid sing-song la-la-laaaaaaaaa! Man, I hate Microsoft. Fuckin’ socialist corporations.

Microsoft themselves are said to be unhappy about the impending lawsuit; a sternly worded press conference says that unlike the so-called Silicon Valley elites, X-Box gamers are belligerent, greedy, entitled and dishonest, and the world would be a much better place if they didn’t exist.

(Originally published on GlossyNews. Here’s the Glossy News Facebook Page.)

Jonathan Ferguson