[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

From Apocalypse to Catastrophe: Jesus Says Repubs & Dems Both Found Unworthy of the Lord’s Return

Apocalypse threatened in the Revelation hasn’t quite gone according to plan.

Jesus always said he was coming back one day.

Jesus on ApocalypseAnd he promised that this time around, there would be no more Mr Nice Guy!

Hence Apocalypse, or Apocalypse of St John, or Revelation, or Book of Revelation, or even the Artist Formerly known as…

Well, anyhoo!

It turns out that the various divine judgments threatened in the final book of the New Testament didn’t quite go to plan.

An enraged Jesus turned up to the world yesterday, finally planning to finish us off once and for all, and was appalled to find out that the Republicans had only got the job half-done.

D for effort. OK, so I appreciate you guys have been pumping the world full of carbon, creating full-on climate denialism; but c’mon! Even the Martians did better than you guys, in a much smaller timeframe. I never expected you to hit the dizzy heights of Venus, but oh, for God’s sake! I can see things are finally starting to come together at last, but…

C’mon! It’s been over 2000 years already? How much longer do I have to wait?

Oh and by the way, Iran and Saudi Arabia are going backwards, with all these human rights protests, and King Salman’s reforms. Europe is pretty bad, but how much longer do you need until shit really gets real?

I think I’m pretty much done with you guys.

Republicans are rumored to be privately fuming.

So we’re still stuck on Earth with these lousy Democrats? Why doesn’t Jesus finally sort out these bastards once and for all?

Democrats, by contrast, are in denial, saying:

Jesus would NEVER have done anything nasty with fire and brimstone! And if he did indeed come back to Earth, he’d probably be marching in a pink pussy hat, or sharing cutesy cat videos on Tumblr.

(Originally published on GlossyNews. Here’s the Glossy News Facebook Page.)

Jonathan Ferguson