Ripping the Headlines Today, 12/26/17

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

headlines today

Trump’s wax figure was added to Disney World’s ‘Hall of Presidents’

As opposed to where it really belongs, as part of ‘It’s Got Small Hands After All.’

‪Sea Turtle found bundled in 65 million dollars worth of cocaine

‪It seems his gateway drug was seaweed.

U.N. resoundingly rejects U.S. decision on Jerusalem in pointed rebuke

Yeah, c’mon, everyone knows the Capital of Judaism is New York City.

Winter Solstice marks longest night of the year

Yup, it began last January 20th, 2017…

Ted Cruz tried to lecture Mark Hamill about ‘Star Wars’

Instead, he should have lectured Oliver Stone on JFK assassination ‘cause, at least, he could have fact-checked with his dad.

Elderly couple found with 60 pounds of pot tell deputies it’s for Christmas gifts

Along with the 300 pounds of cookies…

Trump’s approval rating hits another record low

If the number gets any lower, Roy Moore will want to date it.

Ford CEO apologizes, voices zero tolerance for harassment

Adding, so there’s no confusion, the words ‘Head Lights,’ ‘Honker’ and ‘Air bags’ will no longer be allowed…

Guatemala says it is moving Embassy in Israel to Jerusalem

…and the rest of the country to Arizona.

A Happy 74th Birthday shout out to Keith Richards

Proving that 74 is the new 135.

BREAKING: Saudi Arabia intercepts ballistic missile fired towards the capital Riyadh from Yemen

Fortunately, it was a Jay Cutler missile; so, it was not only intercepted but returned for a touchdown.

Sarah Palin’s oldest son, Track, arrested on domestic violence charges

No word if Putin called it in when he saw it happen from his house.

‘Star Wars: The Last Jedi’ brought in 45 million dollars on first Thursday

Or, the equivalent of one and a half O’Reilly sexual harassment settlements.

Facebook’s government data requests continue to rise

Man, my cat is so screwed.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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