[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

BREAKING: Over 650,000 Vote for Known Pedophile

In shocking news, a proven pedophile nearly got elected Senator in the United States of America.

In the biggest story since the Virginia and New Jersey elections, a stunning event happened in a southern American state Tuesday: nearly two-thirds of a million people voted for a known pedophile.

roy moore, pedophile, rides into sunset
Roy Moore rides off into sunset.

It’s a story that has shaken the very core of America.

“This is a huge event. Sure, there’s been some excitement for the Democrats about picking up a normally red Senate seat, electing Doug Jones — that’s a pretty big story,” said Alabama Secretary of State John Merrill. “But this is the main story, the real story. And it will no doubt dominate responsible news coverage for weeks on end. Unfathomable!”

Shocking election returns show that, in a state primarily identifying as “Christian” — a state, in fact, that has been all about “family values” since the days of Reagan — the unthinkable happened: Over 650,000 otherwise sane people voted for a known pedophile.

Pastor Franklin Floyd, a Chambers County clergyman who identifies as “mostly conservative,” commented on the election tallies, saying, “How so many people who call themselves ‘Christian’ managed to contort their consciences in such a way as to vote for a proven pedophile — I just don’t know. That, my friends, is what you could truly call ‘sad.'”

Even the spiritual and historic “father” of the Republican Party reached out to comment, as former President Abraham Lincoln made contact from heaven, speaking to us via GoogleSeanceTM. He delivered what he himself later described as the “Pedophilesburg Address”:

100k score and many moons ago — way back in the cave man days — our forefathers unfortunately brought forth the behavior of pigs toward women. And still, it goes on. It pains my heart to hear that the party of — well, me — should not only allow such a contemptuous violator of prepubescent girls to run for office, but then nearly elect the vulgar barbarian. I had hoped for a better future for the party of… yeah, you know.

In fact, the news of so many voting for such an obvious scumbag is so unprecedented and earthshaking, say experts, that there is no way to tell how the country will move on at this point.

“This momentous and terrible event — a scar on the soul of America — cannot be ignored,” said sociologist Beyere Ounselv. “It must not be allowed to fester. The underlying cause of this shameful display of ignorant, abhorrent behavior on the part of so many should remain on the front pages of America’s consciousness — until such time as it can be fully resolved and healed.”

In a related story, priests and pastors all over the state of Alabama today reported record numbers of people visiting their confessionals, many in sackcloth and ashes.

James Israel
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