[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

You’re Fired! Trump Blames Trees for California Wildfires

Trump: “Unpatriotic trees would kneel if they could, instead starting California wildfires.”

“California wildfires are being magnified & made so much worse by the bad environmental laws which aren’t allowing massive amount of readily available water to be properly utilized. It is being diverted into the Pacific Ocean. Must also tree clear to stop fire spreading!” — actual Trump tweet

This recent POTUS tweet has confirmed what many have suspected. The California wildfires are caused by trees!

California wildfires, you're fired -TrumpThis conclusion comes about after several months of research by off-the-grid wilderness dwellers living in remote corners of western states. Often operating at great personal risk, these hardy patriots have infiltrated all of the national forests not yet heroically felled by logging interests.

Camouflaged as rocks, abandoned vehicles or marijuana fields, they have compiled a devastating dossier of conspiracy on the part of the trees we have long trusted for shade and autumn colors.

In short there is a plot amongst these arboreal agitators to migrate towards nascent fires, hurl themselves into the blaze, and expand the conflagrations. Their ultimate objective remains unclear. Some in the POTUS inner circle suspect it is a plot by the Mueller investigative team to distract the President from his primary job of flooding social media with cretinous tweets.

POTUS has provided us with further insight into the situation in California, decrying the waste of water which treasonously flows to the sea, instead of rising up to douse the blazes.

Known by environmentalists as ‘rivers’, these flows have apparently been a fixture of the state for many years. Lobbying by supporters of these rivers, and their cohorts, streams, creeks and rivulets, has resulted in a wild west of waterfalls, estuaries and rapids that are indifferent to tariffs, White House invitations, or tax cuts.

The administration finds this situation intolerable. Officials are also alarmed by the presence of the Potomac not far from the White House, and are now preparing a twitter salvo against what they have long suspected is a Democrat river.

But all is not lost! Strategists close to POTUS plan to actively enlist the aid of the Colorado river. Sourced in the Rockies, this mighty torrent runs through the American Southwest, carving the Grand Canyon (soon to be renamed ‘The Fantastic Huge Great Canyon’ by presidential edict), before petering out from overuse more than 70 miles from its ancestral outfall in the Gulf of California.

Administration experts skilled in watering down gun control and emissions control legislation are now diving in to solve California’s water crisis. Preliminary plans include a vast network of pipelines and sprinkler systems extending well into national forests, private country clubs, and ten-acre estates.

This would all be financed by a tax on trees which would be required to obtain ID cards and file tax returns.

The leafy leviathans are unlikely to take this lying down.

They’ve been here a long time. They’ve outlasted volcanoes, glaciers, and asteroid strikes. Besides, if they get ID cards and file tax returns, they can vote. They probably have their own ideas of what Making America Great again means.

And it might not include people.

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Rod Bartchy

Rod Bartchy

Rod Bartchy lives in Philadelphia, where he writes humor essays, tutors kindergarten and plays Scrabble to excess. His work has appeared in the Broad Street Review, The Chestnut Hill Local, Humor Outcasts, True Humor, The Short Humor Site and the Humor Times.
Rod Bartchy

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