Ripping the Headlines Today, 8/20/18

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Aretha Franklin

RIP Aretha Franklin

Paying big time last ‘R E S P E C T S.’

Lance Armstrong posts a bloody selfie after bike crash in Colorado

Jeez, the ball on that guy that he thinks he can garner sympathy.

Trump changed his story again about his son’s Trump Tower Russia meeting

Damn, Trump’s spinning so fast his hair got motion sickness!

People who start to watch porn are more likely to divorce, says study

… especially when their spouse turns up in it unexpectedly.

Trump says he never used the N-word, ever

That’s only true if the N-word is ‘Nyet’ and the person he was talking to was Putin.

NASA looks to fly people to Mars

Personally, I’ll wait to go on the flight with the hookers from SpaceXXX.

The world’s biggest marijuana stock is surging after a $4 billion investment from the maker of Corona

‪… just imagine how much they’ll get from Doritos?!

Stormy Daniels to appear on ‘Celebrity Big Brother’

… and any guy who delivers pizza.

FOX News remembered Aretha Franklin with a photo of Patti LaBelle

Seriously? They can tell the difference between dozens of blonde chick reporters but not two legendary black music icons. Coincidence? You decide!

Arizona police commander filmed office tryst on body cam, lawsuit says

Look for the tape to be released under the title ‘Cop-A-Feel.’

Trump revokes security clearance of former CIA Head John Brennan

… Brennan is now qualified to be Trump’s son-in-law.

Trump Tower in Chicago sued for breaking clean water laws

No word yet from the building’s new manager, former EPA Director Scott Pruitt.

Steve Bannon to appear MSNBC

…. and a simulcast on Channel 666.

Omarosa releases secret tape of Lara Trump offering her $15K-a-month campaign job

Shoot, Omarosa’s recorded more duets than Willie Nelson!

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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